29 December 2005

Talk about...Pop Music...

Ok, so I've always loved music, ever since I was a little kid. Love it. I used to be a DJ for a brief and shining moment in time at WWCK-AM/105.5FM in Flint, MI. It was fun. It was exciting. They paid me to play....literally. And music, lyrics, still seem to often express my emotions the best sometimes. My mood can totally be changed by a single song.

This December I've been laid up the whole month, and really missed out on all the fun that is the holiday season: christmas shopping, looking for the perfect gifts, driving around listening to the carols & looking at the lights displays, the eggnog and cookies, dressing up...all of it, I've missed out on because of kidney stones. how is it that something 8cm in size can screw up your whole life and make you a prisoner in your own home? *sigh*

So, feel inspired by this fun quizzy bit I ran across earlier tonight. I'd love to hear your answers!

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band
Artist/Band: Duran Duran (of course)
Are you male or female: Girls on Film
Describe yourself: Ordinary World
How do some people feel about you: Hot Head
How do you feel about yourself: Is There Something I Should Know?
Describe what you want to be: Notorious
Describe how you live: My Own Way
Describe how you love: Hungry Like the Wolf
Share a few words of wisdom: Reach Out for the Sunrise

27 December 2005


I've decided to post my resolutions in the hopes that by living a public life, I will feel more obligated to them. My husband believes you live with secrets or you live publically, and you can't have one or the other. But then he is incredibly honest. So here it is...my resolutions to myself & the world.

1. Be Healthier. Of course I sit here hours away from surgery, so that seems a bit of an obvious request, but I mean an overall healthier life. The "I'm getting married stress" diet helped some, and the "kidney stone" diet has allowed me to drop some more rather non-obvioius to anyone but me pounds, but I want to seriously drop some inches and poundage over the next year. I want a baby with my husband and I want to not be "at risk" for my weight and age. I want to do more with Kaitlyn, who wants to be more physical too. And I want to keep up with my skinny, long legged husband well into my mid-life and twilight years to come.

2. Be in touch more. I want to make sure to send more cards and write more often to people so we don't lose touch. I've lost my dad and some friends this past year. I'll never have them back, I think. And it feels like a big part of my past has simply been erased. I don't want that to happen again.

3. Make ideas real. I have a couple of really big projects I want to do. That I've wanted to do for awhile now. And my husband is entirely encouraging me to do them...giving me the time and tools to make it real. And so I will. No more "what ifs"...I hope to be published (or in process) by next holiday season. I want my event planning business to really take off...even if its a slow start. But the reality is before me.

There aren't many, but they are big, life changing ones. I hope encouragement comes from the world at large.

26 December 2005

Happy Holidays!

Christmas has come and gone relatively happy this year. My wedding was a lovely, happy event I think most people enjoyed. I know we did! I can't believe I'm Mrs. Wawrzyniak now. We had a great honeymoon to England & Wales. Bath is my new favourite city. Arundel was amazing. And sadly, London is changing and not "MY" city anymore.

I returned to the USA and have been ill ever since. Two surgeries later and another yet to come tomorrow, for kidney stones and a serious infection. It's been difficult, painful, and frustrating. I feel as if I've missed out on the entire Christmas season, and barely was able to get any gifts for people due to being in the hospital or laid up. It hasn't been a good month, but I'm taking each day as it comes...and little better each day.

My illness has delayed me being able to be in touch with people, but hopefully that will change now.

I hope everyone is having a great holiday...no matter what your celebration may be! and may it be with those you love!

25 October 2005


Love it. Everything about it. The crispness of the air, the amazingly beauty of the colours, the need to wear sweaters, walking through the woods, the fields, hayrides, Haunted Houses, hot cider and donuts, apple orchards...it's the only thing that takes me away from being a city girl and makes me yearn to be outside, away from the city and into nature.

I love Halloween. It's my favourite day of the year. Costumes and laughter. Since I was 11 I've had a BIG Halloween bash every year. Except last year (because Paul had just moved in and things were crazy), and this year (because of the wedding 2 weeks later). It's killing me to not have my annual Halloween party. I vow that next year things will be back to "normal". I haven't even been able to buy pumpkins yet this year, let alone carve them. House painting is finally almost done (though a new roof is in store for us yet this fall...oh joy) so I put the tombstones out in the front, hung some orange lights inside the front windows (since a house built in 1917 has no outside outlets...go figure), a light up ghost that is older than me and so I love it in the front window, and a disembodied skeletal hand in my front hallway. It's silly and fun.

Paul does not share my love of all things Halloween. It's the oddest thing to me, because it's such a fun time. But he indulges me, and even came with Jackie, Tabitha and I to a Haunted Trail (which, by the by, was pretty darn good) two weeks ago. It even had a ride in a hearse to out to the trail...how often do you get that? Of course Paul & I were in the back...where we were attacked by the madman with a chain saw, and I still suffer a majorly huge bruise on my thigh as a result, but hey! It was fun! It's all part of the joy Autumn brings!

And I have the wedding coming up. Yet another reason to love the fall. I'm excited. I want it here already. 17 days and counting.

I love this time of year.

06 October 2005

ok, so my friend Kassi had this posted on her blog, and I have to say, I was inspired. Pick up a book today & read it!! Demand freedom of speech.

Top 100most frequently challenged books since 1900
1. Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz2. Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou4. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain6. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck7. Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling8. Forever by Judy Blume9. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson10. Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor11. Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman12. My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier13. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger14. The Giver by Lois Lowry15. It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris16. Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine17. A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck18. The Color Purple by Alice Walker19. Sex by Madonna20. Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel21. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson22. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle23. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous24. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers25. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak26. The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard27. The Witches by Roald Dahl28. The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein29. Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry30. The Goats by Brock Cole31. Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane32. Blubber by Judy Blume33. Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan34. Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam35. We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier36. Final Exit by Derek Humphry37. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood38. Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George39. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison40. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters byLynda Madaras41. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee42. Beloved by Toni Morrison43. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton44. The Pigman by Paul Zindel45. Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard46. Deenie by Judy Blume47. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes48. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden49. The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz51. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein52. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)54. Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole55. Cujo by Stephen King56. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl57. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell58. Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy59. Ordinary People by Judith Guest60. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis61. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons byLynda Madaras62. Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume63. Crazy Lady by Jane Conly64. Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher65. Fade by Robert Cormier66. Guess What? by Mem Fox67. The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende68. The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney69. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut70. Lord of the Flies by William Golding71. Native Son by Richard Wright72. Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday73. Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen74. Jack by A.M. Homes75. Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya76. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle77. Carrie by Stephen King78. Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume79. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer80. Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge81. Family Secrets by Norma Klein82. Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole83. The Dead Zone by Stephen King84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain85. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison86. Always Running by Luis Rodriguez87. Private Parts by Howard Stern88. Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford89. Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene90. Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman91. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett92. Running Loose by Chris Crutcher93. Sex Education by Jenny Davis94. The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene95. Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy96. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell97. View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts98. The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder99. The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney100. Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
(Highlighted ones are books I have read...and in most cases, enjoyed!)

28 September 2005

The funniest book I’ve ever read. In my opinion, possibly the funniest book ever written. Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett co-wrote this brilliant novel "based on the prophesies of Agnus Nutter, witch". The antichrist is just a regular British schoolboy, with a dog named (appropriately) Dog...hardly a hound from hell. The angel would want to be my friend because of his gayness and penchant for art and literature. The demon and I would be drinking buddies, we have similar driving skills, though all of his music has a penchant to turn into Queen’s Greatest Hits.
I feel happy every time I read this book...why? Because it’s hilarious. Go ahead...read it...I dare you...and I dare you to NOT laugh. I don’t believe it can be done.
Kim Rife (nee’Weber) first introduced me to this book. It was purchased. Lost. Purchased again. Stolen. Purchased again. Loaned out and never returned. Purchased again in London. Loaned again, never to be returned. And finally purchased one more time in Toronto. What would ever make me re-buy the same book over and over? Uh...the 4 motorcyclists of the Apocolypse, I guess. But I can’t feel bad in knowing that the book was taken from me over and over, because others found it just so damn good too. I don’t know just how many times I’ve read that book in the past 12 years or so, but a hell of a lot.
It’s hilarious...read it...before the end of the world...next Friday and noon.

Right now I'm struggling with the need for alone time.
I'm feeling the need for a few hours, maybe an afternoon, to just walk around a store by myself, looking at things I'd rather have than money. To simply be away from home and family, and all the responsibilites that go with it. To be away from the wedding plans. To not have to take any calls from anyone. To just be me. Alone. To possibly indulge myself without guilt for an hour or two.

Not that I don't love my family, because I do. And I love time with them. I just need a momentary break.

16 September 2005


What are your favorite childhood memories?
Tossing Barbie doll parts into the lake & then diving for them.

What was your first real memory?
My first steps. Seriously. I remember walking across the room to get the big red ball my sister Kathy had put on the chair.

Did your family have any special or unusual traditions?
Eating stollen (from Frankenmuth specifically) on Christmas morning.

What were your favorite subjects in school?
English, Theatre, Humanities, Creative Writing

What was your favorite grade in school?
Hmm...I recall 3rd being pretty awesome, and 10th . College wasn’t too awful either.

What did you want to be when you grew up?
Initially an actress, then a teacher, then a veterinarian, finally I wanted to be a writer - a music journalist is what I went to college for. I’ve made my living most of my life in the theatre...funny, no?

Did you have any pets as a child?
Oh yes...a parakeet named Snoopy (who lived 17 years!), and lots of dogs: Suzette, Freckles, Schnapps, TieTac, and Holli. I’ve loved them all a lot, and want a dog desperately!

Did your family ever go on any memorable vacations?
Rome, Italy was the most memorable.

Did your family have any struggles as you were growing up?
Not that I was ever aware of.

Were your parents demonstrably affectionate with you or one another?
Always. I expect a lot because of the romance between my parents.

Did you like yourself as a child?
Pretty much, yeah...I didn’t have a reason not to.

Did you have a pet name or nickname?

What things made you laugh?
Lots of things...mostly my friends

What things scare you?
Loneliness, Clowns (they’re evil, pure & simple).

How did you get along with your brothers and sisters?
Ok, I guess. I’ve never been close to any of them to be honestly. They are all much older than I am

How did you get in trouble?
I never got in trouble, I was the perfect child. (Ok, it was usually for talking too much in class...go figure.)

How were you disciplined?
Guilt. Big ol’ Catholic guilt.

Who were your best friends? What is your relationship with them like today?
Margie Schmidt. I have no idea where she is today. I wish I knew.
Douglas Burtrum. Likewise, I’d love to get in touch with him. Let I knew he was out East working in the medical field. If anyone knows, let me know!

When was the first time you understood what it meant to die?
Despite spending a lot of time at funeral homes during my youth, I’m going to say I don’t think I ever comprehended the depth of death until my friend, Boyd Brown died.

What parts of your childhood would you like to go back and relive?
That carefree time of riding my bike on the trails through the woods during the fall

What do you remember about your first day of junior high/middle school?
Not exactly, it was the middle of 6th grade when we moved and I was thrown into junior high. I was already ahead in school, so it wasn’t scary.

Who was your first crush? What qualities attracted you to him/her?
I think it was Scott somebody. I still have a Valentine he made me. He was cute, and the nicest boy in the third grade.

What did you do on dates?
Usually movies, walking in the park, out to dinner, etc.

Who educated you about sex?
Friends mostly.

Did you like yourself as a teenager?
For the most part, yes.

What were your goals for the future?
To move to England, be a music journalist and marry Simon le Bon, of course!

How did being a young adult change your relationships with your parents?
I think they respected me more, and I definately respected them more.

Did you ever experiment with drugs or alcohol?
No. Never with drugs, and alcohol not until college

Did you have after school jobs?
In high school I worked for Stride Rite. In college, medical transcription.

Did you have enough money?
Yep. Mom & Dad were always generous.

What kinds of groups did you belong to in high school?
Theatre, Newspaper

What would you say were your greatest accomplishments in high school?
I was the only person to ever be an editor of the newspaper all 4 years of school.

In high school what were your greatest failures?
Math. I’m still bad at it.

What were your favorite books growing up? Movies?
Christy. Little House books. The Wizard of Oz. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Willy Wonka

What was the last book you read?
"The Fyre Mirror" by Karen Harper. It’s an Elizabethan mystery that takes place at the home of Lady Lumley (heh, heh, heh)

Compare yourself now to yourself as a teenager.
I was more outrageous...a punk...I think I care more about people now.

What are your job goals for the future?
Continue working where I am, but start my event planning business too.

Where would you like to live ?
I like our new house, though I’d always be up for a place on the lake...or in England!

What are your current political affiliations?
None. I refuse to be affiliated with politics if I can help it.

What is your relationship with your parents like now?
I love them dearly. I miss them both.

Would you like to have children in the future? If so, what number would you consider ideal?
Though I already have one daughter, I would like at least one more. Paul would like 2.

What do you consider to be your natural talents?
Writing. Talking w/people. Public speaking.

How would your friends answer that question about you?
I think they would say the same.

Would you say that you are mainly an extrovert or introvert?

Are you a "morning person" or a "night person?"
Oh, such a night person, despite the schedule I keep.

Describe your daily schedule.
5:30am Paul’s alarm goes off & wakes me up. I attempt to return to sleep.
6:30am Paul kisses me goodbye & wakes me up. I attempt to return to sleep.
7:00am My alarm goes off. Get up, get ready for the day.
8:00am Leave the house, take Kaitlyn to school, head to work.
8:30am - 4:30pm Work
4:30pm Go home, start dinner, enjoy the evening.

What one thing would you like to experience before you die?
More world travel

What is one place you’ve never traveled to that you would like to see?

How do you feel about aging?
Other than gaining wisdom, I can’t say I’m too fond of it. I will not go gently into old age. I will dye my hairs as long as possible. I will pay for microdermabrasion. I will bathe in the blood of virgins to stay young & beautiful forever!

What is your perspective on death? Life after death?
Death brings sorrow. But I know there is life after death. That there is a Heaven. I know there is a place with no pain but happiness. I know my father is there now.

08 September 2005


And so the countdown to my wedding begins.
2 months.
Many small details to attend to, many small things I could overly stress about, and at moments, do. But I'm trying hard not to.
I had glass goblets blown for Paul and I (Girl Glass, the most amazing glassblowers on the planet, to be sure) so you can imagine my disappointment when they turned out completely awful! The opposite extreme of what I ordered. I'm so disappointed. I can only hope they will actually remake them. *sigh*

I'm hoping everyone comes to the wedding.
My showers are soon.
I'm excited.

05 July 2005


When Paul proposed last year, we said " a year and a day " as the "trial run", so to speak. So now, that's past. What did that year and a day bring?

Some heartache. He continually let's his mother put a GIANT strain on our relationship. (Yesterday was a big family gathering, in which everyone seemed to have fun...with the exception of his always overcritical mother, and as a result, my fiance'. He left the party feeling doubtful, stressed, and unhappy, particularly with us. Go figure.) I say, yes, we have financial issues because I'm (once again) not working. Yes, we do things differently. The things I want cleaned a certain way are not always the way he wants things cleaned a certain way. It's petty, in my opinion, but it's one of the big things (besides money) that can literally drive him crazy. So at the end of our "trial run" he's feeling there has been just soooo much difficulty. What??? He just doesn't understand the level of difficulty life can bring. Because he's never HAD to experience it. He's NEVER gone without a job. He's never had his heartbroken. He's never truly known hurt. Or remorse. Or love.

So the year and a day also brought some good. We address issues rather than letting them fester and build into some overgrown ugliness. We talk. We have great experiences.

But are we happy? I don't know. I think I am. I would be if I didn't feel horrible guilt that is imposed upon me by him. And his mother. I would be if he's actually take the time to have a relationship with Kaitlyn. (He promised me he'd start over when she gets home. I told him to work on having a friendship with her rather than trying to be disiplinarian...that's MY job.) I want us to be happy. I think we're happy. I think I'd be happier if he knew what it is to be happy.

I'm realizing my love is damaged. He's been pushed around so much in life, told what to do and how to do it, he doesn't know what end is up on his own.

Not sure how to work with that yet. But I think that life has given me enough experience to try.

28 June 2005


Ok, so his momentary lapse of all things reasonable has passed. Cold Feet. What a stupid feeling, in my opinion, though I know everyone goes through it. Who hasn't doubted, questioned, or plain out panicked at the prospect of "the one & only...forever and ever...'til death do us part"? But really, isn't it foolish to get so worked up over what ifs and maybes?? The Runaway Bride certainly did. http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/news/0622_bride.html

And so, after much talk, and reassurance, we're back on track. He got down on one knee and re-proposed (at my insistance). I just couldn't continue unless he did it without doubt. And so he has, and so we proceed for our 12 November wedding date.

That's today's headache...invitations. ICK. I can honestly say that invitations have been the worst part of the wedding planning. I just don't know what I want. And nothing is worth the money they are charging!

24 June 2005


I feel my life has been a rollercoaster lately. Not the fun adreneline rush of excitement from that height, but rather the sinking pit that comes with the nausea of something being horribly wrong.

I'm depressed. It's truly that simple. I haven't been able to get a decent job, therefore I'm feeling less than worthwhile, less than human, if you will. I'm not a "contributing member of society". And that makes me feel bad. Add to it my dearest friend is moving away. That hurts. Literally the proverbial "feeling like you lost your best friend" emotion. Add to it my daughter is away to her father's home for the summer. I miss her. Add to it the grief of my father's death has finally hit...and I miss him horribly. And my mom to boot. Add to it I have no hobby to occupy my time & thoughts with this summer. I'm not doing any renfaire, and I feel somewhat lost.

Add to it my fiance' declared he is uncertain if this is the life he really wants and is questioning our relationship and our upcoming marriage. How can he get cold feet now, just over 4 months before out wedding? How can he tell me he doubts it all? How can he do this when I'm already feeling like sludge?

It isn't fair. It isn't just. And I don't know what to do about any of it. Anyone out there have any suggestions? Logic says RUN. But thats fear, not confrontation of the situation, and if I'm anything its someone who likes to confront a situation, analyze it, sort it out to the details, and then do whatever its necessary to fix it. You don't throw relationships away.

He says he loves me. Is it enough???

06 June 2005


The past week, while in Florida for Dad's funeral, I realized just how different I am from my siblings...and glad for it. Funerals really do bring out the worst (and best) in people.

I also was reminded just how important it is that we embrace life. That we remember to tell the people who matter, just that...that they matter. And that we learn to laugh more often.

So here is my contribution to more laughter in the world.


25 May 2005


My father died yesterday.

It was unexpected, and I've done nothing but cry. I don't know what to do. He told me last week, before his operation, if anything were to happen I was to take care of things. And now, my sisters Kathy & Marge are in Florida dealing with all the arrangements, my mom, the dogs, and I'm stuck until I can get down there, without anything to do, without any way to make things right. Because nothing is right. My father is dead.

Dad was the strongest man I have ever known. Not just physically, which he was, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He could do anything. Seriously. And if he couldn't he'd not only find out how to, but how to improve upon it.

I gained my love of learning, research, debate and tact, as well at tactic, from him.
He taught me to always question, always try harder, and always look for more.
He taught me to never follow the crowd, and always be a leader, even if its only for yourself.
He taught me to believe in God, and know that we are but a small part of this world.
He taught me the value of romance by always doing that little extra special, unexpected thing for my mom...whether it was just a note to say I love you, a diamond ring, or as she has become weaker, doing her makeup, it was always about showing her that she was the love of his life.
He taught me the value of conditional love.

My father is dead. I'm passed the crying. I'm passed the first step of anger. Now I'm in a daze. I can't believe it. When ever I've ever felt confused, or frightened, or sad, I'd call Dad. He'd either give me sound advice (whether I wanted it or not) or a huge hug.

"Make me proud of you kid," he'd say. "Make yourself proud of you."
Tail-end Charlie...that was his nickname for me...the eighth child...the baby...the one he said was more like him than any other. I'm proud to be like him. He was a wonderful, smart man. A loving father. A devoted husband. I can't believe he's not here...though I'm sure he's in Heaven, playing with the dogs, playing golf or fishing with Jesus...in his underwear.

Te Amo. Ich libe dich. Auf Wiedersehen.

12 May 2005


I hate moving. I've had to do it far too many times in the past few years. The boxes, the purging of the items you realize you really don't need. The memories of those things you just can't part with. It's huge. It's stressful. And I hate it. And yet...I'm moving on to something bigger & better than I've possibly ever had. And that's exciting. That's the thrill of it all. Every move is another opportunity to start over. To Change. To Grow. And this move is certainly no exception. I'm going to moving into a house we own. Ours. No more landlords. No more asking for permission. Ours. I home that is our own doing. Our new life together. A more solid life for Kaitlyn. That's exciting. That's the thrill of the unknown. A home where I can entertain our friends. Where new memories will be made. Where I can walk around a safe neighbourhood with Kaitlyn, play games in our backyard, and create the sewing/crafting/dance room I always wanted. A place where I can have guest come and stay. A home where we can truly grown.

That realization give me the motivation to get back to work on the endless boxes that are clogging the living room of the apartment right now. I can face the cardboard jungle once more.

09 May 2005


Mother's Day, that illusive day of the year in which mother's everywhere are supposed to be honoured, pampered, and generally appreciated, arrived again yesterday. I was treated to breakfast in bed by my adorable daughter who surprised the heck out of me with not only the ability to create such a good meal, but the deliciousness of it. (Chocolate pancakes, with a side of bacon, tea and milk!) I was amazed that this, my little girl, really isn't a little girl anymore. She is capable of cooking an original meal, serving it up, and cleaning up the mess to boot. When did this happen??

The afternoon was spent oohing & aahing & discussing the Degas sculpture exhibit at the MAM. It was wonderful, though my favourite part was actually "over-listening" to other people's commentary. (My favourite: "Why would a sculpture of a naked woman washing her armpit be art?") We (Paul, Kaitlyn & I) then wandered aimlessly along the waterfront of Lake Michigan, enjoying the warm sun and cool breezes, watching the sailboats on the lake, and the multitude of beautiful kites overhead. Kaitlyn built me my own castle in the sand (complete with a peasant village nearby) and reminded me that part of her is, yet, still a little girl...and this made me happy in her innocence. Paul & I talked about the realities that are happening in our life, and how I have only known empty promises in the past. And I realized just how deeply he loves me. The reality of your families love is enough to carry you through any day. I didn't get gifts. I wasn't overly pampered. Absolutely no money was spent. But it was a day that I was proud to say I am a mom.

I also had to think of my own mother, who sadly has taken up new residence in a "nursing home facility" down in Florida. Mom isn't well...there are days she can't even feed herself. But dad is having a seriously dangerous surgery soon, and is no longer capable to care for her. Mom refused to leave Florida, dad, the dogs, etc. So this is how things are for now. And it hurts me deeply that I can't be there, that I can't do anything but send my love via cards and the phone lines. Why does life switch from your mother taking care of you to you taking care of your mother. And because they do...because they have...because they love...EVERY mother deserves to be spoiled, pampered, and most importantly, adored.

02 May 2005


This weekend while sitting quietly at church, watching some little kids make their First Communion, I was struck with the realization of just how deeply my faith goes. That I'm no longer a "Closet Catholic". That I'm not nervous to say "I go to church every week", because people might criticize me. That I have re-found a relationship with God. That I believe in prayer. That I believe in living a decent life. I'm not the type to say "my religion is right and yours is wrong", I just believe faith is faith...in the Higher Power. In treating people with respect. In living that faith. I haven't always been this way...in fact I have done some things I'm not intrinsically proud of. But I'm comfortable with knowing I've tried to right my wrongs....whether always accepted or not. And I've found a comfort in being me. And a part of me is Christian.

20 April 2005


Tomorrow (4/21) is my birthday.
Paul's was yesterday.
Isn't it convenient?
But the reality of birthdays is that we aren't the same person,
we are older, and hopefully, wiser.
We have changed and evolved. We have another year of experience, and knowledge, behind us.
(We have no idea if we have another year ahead of us though. There's the kicker!)
What happens though, when you look back on the year, and see your own changes, but doubt if anyone else does?
That's sort of how I'm feeling right now...doubtful that any of the people I really hope see the changes do. Doubtful they even care to. And though I'd love to shout at them "Hey, look at where I was and who I was, and how much better (I think) I am now! I did it! I'm a good person, a better person!"
But the same person, all at the same time. The same person who loves my friends and family.
I'm kinder than I used to be...that's interesting to realize. I never thought of myself as a "bad" person, but I admit to being bitter. I'm happier too. And, without doubt, wiser.

Happy Birthday to me...I'd share it with you, if I could. I guess I am right now.

18 April 2005


I've lost touch with a friend.
I'd like to say I'm entirely to blame, but honestly, it does take two.
From what I've heard her life is good. She has a husband & child I wish I knew better.
She and I had such a past, its now hard to think we may never have a future.
We take friendships for granted sometimes, and its probably one of the most unfortunate aspects of life. We often feel that invincibility of "I'll do it tomorrow", and before we realize it tomorrow has become months...or years...and that connection is lost. Even if we try to reclaim it, that doesn't mean they will respond.

That's where I am right now, sending out messages, hoping for a response. Even it wasn't a positive one, a response would let me know.

I've also learned that sometimes we do things we have no idea we've done. Another friend who has chosen to be a memory blames me for something I'm not even aware of. I've apologized for whatever it may be, but how can we right a wrong we don't know about? It's really a wierd state of mind.

I have learned from these, and so many more experiences, that communication is give & take.
Last night Paul was angry about something, and once we truly communicated, realized it was based entirely upon assumptions, not truths.

The truth is communication.
I'm going to get better at this blog posting, I swear it.
I've been inspired by a friend's blog to try to get better about it.

The news in my life this year...we bought a house.
It's a great place. A home to grow with. A home to entertain in.
wow...that's almost surreal. I
t's a Craftsman Four Square built in 1917.
It's lovely.
Kaitlyn loves the large fenced in backyard.
Paul loves the natural woodwork throughout. ]
Me? I love that it's ours.