18 December 2012

Hands I wish I could hold

I've been AWOL for a long time here, not having words I felt worth posting.  Not feeling focused in my life.  There are many things I could say about my world. But today I can't.

On December 14th a monster stormed into an elementary school in CT and performed the most unthinkable of acts.  Armed with weapons of warfare that should never be in the hands of any individual other than a trained soldier, this creature blew its way into a secured school filled with children learning their letters and getting ready for Christmas, and killed them.  Five adults all trying to stop the monster, trying to protect these babies lost their lives being heroes. And the monster killed it's own mother, too.  And worst of all, 20 babies, all aged 6 or 7, were killed.  Violently.  Maliciously.  Riddled with multiple bullets into their teeny tiny bodies.  If there were ever a hell, this is it. Their only crime was being precious & sweet.  They had lovely smiles and laughter and were excited for Santa to come bring presents and hug their mommies & daddies. They deserved to live and grow and sing and dance.  

I haven't stopped crying over this, several days later.  Every time I close my eyes I see those sweet babies.  I  weep for they are about the same age as my little ones. It could be my babies, and to that I can't stop crying.  I know how much this hurts my heart, and can't begin to comprehend the sheer pain in the hearts of their parents.  They should be wrapping presents and decorating cookies with their precious babies, not putting them in caskets!  I cry for their loss, their pain, their emptiness, their guilt.  How will they ever be able to tell their other children there is no boogey man & make them feel safe?  How will they, themselves, ever feel anything but incomplete?  

I cry for the other children in the school who survived but heard the shooting & screaming.  How will they ever trust again?  How will they ever feel safe again?   I cry for the teachers, heroes all of them, for doing everything to protect the children.  How will they trust again or face each new class with confidence?  I cry for the first responders who had to walk into that school and see the carnage of innocent children.  I'm sure their nightmares are worse than mine, because they are real.  I cry for the entire community because "normal" will never be the same.  And I cry for all of us, as parents, who can never feel our little ones are actually safe at school anymore.

Most of all I cry for those little innocent children who only wanted to learn to read and write and play.  

I have many feelings regarding guns in this country, but that's for another day.  Right now, these sweet souls need to be remembered and mourned.  I refuse to know the name of the monster or acknowledge it.  It deserves no recognition.  Only love will make any change in this world.

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Madeline Hsu, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
James Mattioli, 6
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Jack Pinto, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
Rest in peace. 

26 September 2012

"Vacation, all I ever wanted..."

The Go-Go's song "Vacation" has been running through my head all morning as I've been trying to figure out where to getaway.  We can't afford a big family vacation, but we CAN afford a romantic weekend getaway with the help of the airline vouchers I have & need to use. The most ideal time for us to go is in January  due to a variety of factors.  That means we really would prefer to go someplace warm.  But that creates new complications.  (Price, times, etc.)  Right now it seems the toss up is either Colonial Williamsburg or maybe visiting the Biltmore in NC.  Other possibilities could be New Orleans (though we've been there), Phoenix or San Fran.  We could do Cancun, but it's the all-inclusive pricing that is SO much pricier than we really want for a weekend in our current financial situation.
SO...I'm concerned about weather in VA in January, but it could be quite beautiful, too?  
Anyone have any advice?

15 June 2012

The Results are in!

Had my doctor follow-up yesterday.
The Good News:  My cholesterol is fine.  I am not anemic.  I have no thyroid condition.
The Bad News:  I have high blood pressure & am now on medication for it.    My insulin isn't great.  I am not diabetic, but if I don't get things under control I could reach that level.  Something else shows I have some sort of kidney problem going on.  That scares me more than anything.  I went into the hospital for lab work and have to have an renal ultrasound next week.  Feeling nervous but I can't overstress until I know what's going on.  Praying, nonetheless.

01 June 2012

Falling Downward

I had a dream last night I was floating in a body of water, and I suddenly flipped over & was staring down into a cavernous abyss.  It was deep blues & black, and foreboding.  I startled myself awake.
I realized it was a reflection of how I'm feeling.  
I'm scared of falling into the abyss.
My blood pressure is up.  That terrifies me.  I'm afraid my blood work will come back with even worse news.
I constantly fear I will never live out my dreams to see the world.
I'm in fear of not experiencing the world with my kids.
As much as I love the water, I don't want to drown.

24 April 2012

Taking control

I joined Weight Watchers online today.
I'm not going to say much about it other than the fact that I hope it helps.
Wish me luck, please.

14 March 2012

On the Road. Again.

My touring season has officially begun!
So far I've been to MN twice in prep.  Took a group from St. Paul to Chicago.  Then took a group from Bangor, WI to Chicago.  Next week I take a group to Nashville & Memphis.  And then I'm off to Orlando with yet another group.  I'm hoping more tours come up soon, but these should all prove exciting.

I love my job.  I get paid to travel.  I get to meet interesting people.
I get exhausted beyond words.  I hurt my feet.  And I miss my family.
But that said, I wish I could travel all the time.

14 January 2012

I need to get back on the ice

I used to be a figure skater.
This video inspires me.