18 December 2012

Hands I wish I could hold

I've been AWOL for a long time here, not having words I felt worth posting.  Not feeling focused in my life.  There are many things I could say about my world. But today I can't.

On December 14th a monster stormed into an elementary school in CT and performed the most unthinkable of acts.  Armed with weapons of warfare that should never be in the hands of any individual other than a trained soldier, this creature blew its way into a secured school filled with children learning their letters and getting ready for Christmas, and killed them.  Five adults all trying to stop the monster, trying to protect these babies lost their lives being heroes. And the monster killed it's own mother, too.  And worst of all, 20 babies, all aged 6 or 7, were killed.  Violently.  Maliciously.  Riddled with multiple bullets into their teeny tiny bodies.  If there were ever a hell, this is it. Their only crime was being precious & sweet.  They had lovely smiles and laughter and were excited for Santa to come bring presents and hug their mommies & daddies. They deserved to live and grow and sing and dance.  

I haven't stopped crying over this, several days later.  Every time I close my eyes I see those sweet babies.  I  weep for they are about the same age as my little ones. It could be my babies, and to that I can't stop crying.  I know how much this hurts my heart, and can't begin to comprehend the sheer pain in the hearts of their parents.  They should be wrapping presents and decorating cookies with their precious babies, not putting them in caskets!  I cry for their loss, their pain, their emptiness, their guilt.  How will they ever be able to tell their other children there is no boogey man & make them feel safe?  How will they, themselves, ever feel anything but incomplete?  

I cry for the other children in the school who survived but heard the shooting & screaming.  How will they ever trust again?  How will they ever feel safe again?   I cry for the teachers, heroes all of them, for doing everything to protect the children.  How will they trust again or face each new class with confidence?  I cry for the first responders who had to walk into that school and see the carnage of innocent children.  I'm sure their nightmares are worse than mine, because they are real.  I cry for the entire community because "normal" will never be the same.  And I cry for all of us, as parents, who can never feel our little ones are actually safe at school anymore.

Most of all I cry for those little innocent children who only wanted to learn to read and write and play.  

I have many feelings regarding guns in this country, but that's for another day.  Right now, these sweet souls need to be remembered and mourned.  I refuse to know the name of the monster or acknowledge it.  It deserves no recognition.  Only love will make any change in this world.

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Madeline Hsu, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
James Mattioli, 6
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Jack Pinto, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
Rest in peace. 

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