05 July 2005


When Paul proposed last year, we said " a year and a day " as the "trial run", so to speak. So now, that's past. What did that year and a day bring?

Some heartache. He continually let's his mother put a GIANT strain on our relationship. (Yesterday was a big family gathering, in which everyone seemed to have fun...with the exception of his always overcritical mother, and as a result, my fiance'. He left the party feeling doubtful, stressed, and unhappy, particularly with us. Go figure.) I say, yes, we have financial issues because I'm (once again) not working. Yes, we do things differently. The things I want cleaned a certain way are not always the way he wants things cleaned a certain way. It's petty, in my opinion, but it's one of the big things (besides money) that can literally drive him crazy. So at the end of our "trial run" he's feeling there has been just soooo much difficulty. What??? He just doesn't understand the level of difficulty life can bring. Because he's never HAD to experience it. He's NEVER gone without a job. He's never had his heartbroken. He's never truly known hurt. Or remorse. Or love.

So the year and a day also brought some good. We address issues rather than letting them fester and build into some overgrown ugliness. We talk. We have great experiences.

But are we happy? I don't know. I think I am. I would be if I didn't feel horrible guilt that is imposed upon me by him. And his mother. I would be if he's actually take the time to have a relationship with Kaitlyn. (He promised me he'd start over when she gets home. I told him to work on having a friendship with her rather than trying to be disiplinarian...that's MY job.) I want us to be happy. I think we're happy. I think I'd be happier if he knew what it is to be happy.

I'm realizing my love is damaged. He's been pushed around so much in life, told what to do and how to do it, he doesn't know what end is up on his own.

Not sure how to work with that yet. But I think that life has given me enough experience to try.

1 comment:

JGarren said...

He needs to buy you a computer as a wedding gift. It's been WAY too long since your last update. What about my needs to be entertained?