24 June 2005


I feel my life has been a rollercoaster lately. Not the fun adreneline rush of excitement from that height, but rather the sinking pit that comes with the nausea of something being horribly wrong.

I'm depressed. It's truly that simple. I haven't been able to get a decent job, therefore I'm feeling less than worthwhile, less than human, if you will. I'm not a "contributing member of society". And that makes me feel bad. Add to it my dearest friend is moving away. That hurts. Literally the proverbial "feeling like you lost your best friend" emotion. Add to it my daughter is away to her father's home for the summer. I miss her. Add to it the grief of my father's death has finally hit...and I miss him horribly. And my mom to boot. Add to it I have no hobby to occupy my time & thoughts with this summer. I'm not doing any renfaire, and I feel somewhat lost.

Add to it my fiance' declared he is uncertain if this is the life he really wants and is questioning our relationship and our upcoming marriage. How can he get cold feet now, just over 4 months before out wedding? How can he tell me he doubts it all? How can he do this when I'm already feeling like sludge?

It isn't fair. It isn't just. And I don't know what to do about any of it. Anyone out there have any suggestions? Logic says RUN. But thats fear, not confrontation of the situation, and if I'm anything its someone who likes to confront a situation, analyze it, sort it out to the details, and then do whatever its necessary to fix it. You don't throw relationships away.

He says he loves me. Is it enough???

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