My family are at church right now. I didn't go today. I couldn't. I would have been going for all the wrong reasons. I feel angry today. With God. I feel angry that my father is gone. I feel angry that my mother can no longer live life, but instead exist in a nursing home, unable to walk or barely feed herself. She was a vibrant woman, a professional figure skater once upon a time, always on the go, always full of life. Now she is forced by Multiple Sclerosis to sit in a bed or wheelchair day in & day out, no even capable of pushing it. I feel angry that my daughter hates me most days, and despite much of it being pre-teen hormones, I can't help but think there is so much more to it than that. And I want a good relationship with her again, and I feel like I don't know what more to do. I feel angry that after months and months of trying, I'm still not pregnant. So rather than going to church today, I drove down to the lakefront, and sat on the rocks, and talked to God. And questioned God. And questioned if there even is a God. And I received no answers. At least not yet. I suppose there is a fragment of hope that God will give me something to take away some of this anger deep inside of me...but the skeptic in me has to wonder. I can't help but wonder if all my prayers to God to bring romantic love into my life came only at a cost?
5 comments:
I find that the days that I feel farthest from God, the days that I am the angriest...are the days that I am pushing Him away, not the other way around.
I also realized (today) that the Sundays I don't want to go to church, are the days I need to be there...
Just keep faith that He never abandons you, and knows your every hurt.
Hey girl...I was just getting ready to go, but I saw the title of this blog and I say this all the time so I had to come and see what this was.
You know, you may be over these feelings now...sometimes I can feel like this one day and then the next day, while things are still icky, I feel better about it.
I just want to say that God can meet you anywhere, not just at church...and maybe the lake is where you needed to be.
And kids can be crummy...sorry that yours is having a "moment"...my son told me one day that he was going to go move in with the Browns because I was never nice or fun and "Tracy" was an awesome mom. That was about 6 months ago and I think I have finally recovered.
And I didn't know you were trying to have a baby. When I was trying to get pregnant with my first and second, it was awful...every month a disappointment. I had fertility stuff both times...it was wretched. Finally got pregnant (both times trying for YEARS) but it was more a relief than happy. Then years later, I got a surprise...is that Someone's idea of funny? I don't know...
And with your dad...and your mom...that is hard. Really hard. No real explanation for why it had to be that way.
But I am glad that you kind of told God how you felt. Someone said one time "God is big enough to handle your mad." And He is...but I am going to pray for you that something happens soon to turn some of this around that can be. And that maybe you will see some reasons or insights on some of it too.
I think you are a very thoughtful girl to know that sometimes it takes more than church to get things worked out...sometimes you just need some alone time with God. :-)
OK, I am expecially praying on this pregnant thing...I am all over that...because I have been through the darkness on that one, and I think I can empathize there...make sure you let me know when you are pregnant:-)
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Thank you both, so very much for your kind words & support. Steadily keeping faith!
What a great site, how do you build such a cool site, its excellent.
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Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.
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