My family are at church right now. I didn't go today. I couldn't. I would have been going for all the wrong reasons. I feel angry today. With God. I feel angry that my father is gone. I feel angry that my mother can no longer live life, but instead exist in a nursing home, unable to walk or barely feed herself. She was a vibrant woman, a professional figure skater once upon a time, always on the go, always full of life. Now she is forced by Multiple Sclerosis to sit in a bed or wheelchair day in & day out, no even capable of pushing it. I feel angry that my daughter hates me most days, and despite much of it being pre-teen hormones, I can't help but think there is so much more to it than that. And I want a good relationship with her again, and I feel like I don't know what more to do. I feel angry that after months and months of trying, I'm still not pregnant.
So rather than going to church today, I drove down to the lakefront, and sat on the rocks, and talked to God. And questioned God. And questioned if there even is a God. And I received no answers. At least not yet. I suppose there is a fragment of hope that God will give me something to take away some of this anger deep inside of me...but the skeptic in me has to wonder. I can't help but wonder if all my prayers to God to bring romantic love into my life came only at a cost?