Grey and overcast

My life is very much like the weather lately. I have little to be happy or sunshiney about. I know I should have posted a Happy 5 year anniversary post about marriage & my husband, but I neither had the time or inclination.

I'm NOT happy, especially with him right now. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm boring. I'm lonely. And feeling like he couldn't care less about me.

He thinks by sitting on the couch & watching a show, that's romance. He thinks by paying bills he's showing me he loves me. He believes kissing is foreplay. He doesn't get it. Or me anymore.

We used to have a bubble around us, where the whole world could fall away. We could laugh & talk about anything. Now, nothing...and no effort.

I hate living in a world of cold & grey.

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I'll wave a rainbow flag if I must...

This article is amazing.
http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/
I've often said, my son may be gay. Or bi. Or not.
I don't care.
He's amazing & I'll love him. Always.
And he should be able to marry whomever he chooses. Male or Female.

catch-22

Feeling like I'm in a hamster wheel...always running, but getting no where, and with no one.

My husband is working 2 jobs. All.the.time. and I'm perceived as the ungrateful bitch of a wife because how dare I complain that I can't ever get anything done. I mean, so what that I work and take care of the kids, cook the meals, and oh, just might need some alone time to do what? Oh, grocery shop!

Clearly I'm just an unreasonable bitch. Sorry about that. Oh, let's add in that I've had a cold for two weeks I can't get rid of, probably because I haven't had a full nights sleep in months, with even less this week than "normal". (5 hours in 3 nights.)
Oh, and that Halloween party we have every year? Yeah, you just go ahead & work...clearly I'll do everything by myself! Oh, I have to work that day too? I guess I'll be the one dealing with the babysitter issue, the cooking, the decorating, getting myself costumed with historically accurate hair & makeup, and having guests arrive in the 5 hours "free".

But I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't understand that he's working. Yeah.

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Losing Faith

I'm angry.
I've tried to hard to be faithful...to believe in God...to trust Him.
But I'm losing my faith because horrible people continue to do horrible things, while good people suffer.
This week my mother is suffering...to a point that she may be slowly dying.
My mother is the most devout person I've ever known.
My mother put all her trust in God.
She was gifted with incredible talent as a dancer & figure skater.
Her ability to use her legs was taken away by MS.
My mother adored my father.
He was taken away unexpectedly & quickly.
My mother was raised well to do, and loves enjoying life, particularly really good foods.
Now her ability to eat is being taken away.
This is cruel.
It's not fair.
And I'm angry.
Very angry.
I want to scream at God. I want to hit Him.
I want to know why she should be forced to suffer.
I want my mom back.

The Chill in the Air

Autumn.

My favourite time of the year!

I just adore the crisp, cold air that requires a jacket or sweater.

I adore the fantastic colours the world becomes...red, orange, gold, green, purple...its rich & stunning & inspiring.

I adore snuggling under a warm blanket with my husband.

I adore watching the kids jumping in the leaves.

I love the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet while taking a stroll.

I love that the bugs & humidity are gone.

I love Halloween.

I wish it could stay this sort of weather year round.
(The closest I can get to that is England...and sadly, I'm not there.) *sigh*
For now, I just try to enjoy every moment of this beautiful season!

(Photos taken by me at Petrifying Springs Park-Kenosha, WI)

Gleeful through the Tears

Last night was the most powerful episode of the TV show GLEE.
Hilariously called "Grilled Cheesus" it focused on religion, faith, beliefs, fear, and doubt. It really hit home for me, and despite feeling terribly sick, I cried my way through the episode.

After my father's death 5 years ago, and my mom's struggle with MS, I've found myself doubting my faith again & again. I get angry because my mom is probably the most devout person I've ever known, and yet she suffers in pain every day. Mom never missed a Holy Day or Sunday at Church. She prays daily. She is a kind, giving person. She is unable to walk at all. She had been a professional figure skater & dancer, and this is the punishment she has been given. Why?!?!

My father was raised by faithful parents, and converted to Catholicism as an adult. He would have loved to have been a priest, and vowed to if mom had passed away first. He adored my mom and took incredible care of her. He taught me to expect a lot from a husband...and life. Then, despite being incredibly healthy & strong, in a moment he died. Fast, unexpected, and long before his time. Why?!?!

So I'm grateful to the cast of GLEE for their bravery in presenting a topic, that could be so controversial, so eloquently.

Back in Time...again

It's yet another Time Travelling weekend!
This time it's back to 1574 and the Stronghold Renaissance Faire in Oregon, IL
I always love performing at this faire, as it is very low key, the site is spectacular, the weather is perfect, and I always get to play someone new. This year I'm pulling out Lady Catherine Talbot (I played her 2 years ago at Stronghold). I like her alot, and would consider asking to play her at Bristol even. There isn't alot about her that I've found so far, but my persona of her is a unique one for me. She's a chameleon. She is whatever anyone thinks she is...but she is true to herself in it. I think I'll enjoy developing her further.
Once she's married she is the Countess of Pembroke. I asked to play her unmarried, as I didn't want to upset anyone by asking to play a high ranked character. Guess what? As the daughter of an earl, I'm still the 4th highest ranking person! Oops! Didn't plan it that way, and if certain individuals get pissy about it, I guess that's their problem, not mine. I couldn't care less about rank, it's about playing an interesting character.
A couple good friends (Tab, Ansel, Heather, Brian, Rick, Misty) aren't going to be there, sadly. I wish there were. It's always fun with them.
Pictures next week!

Lonely

Lately all I've been feeling is loneliness.

None of my friends call.

None of my friends include me.

None of my friends (at least the ones that live within 3 hours of me) are spontaneous or ever want to just "hang out".

I don't remember the last "girl's day" I had with a friend...that just hanging out at the mall, having lunch, shopping for nothing.

A group of people were going to the Michigan RenFest this weekend. I wasn't even a thought.
I feel like a social outcast. Me, the one who always had endless friends around. Me, the one who always had people over. Me, who is ridiculously social, has no one to be social with.

I hate being alone.

I just keep fighting the tears as I read Facebook & see life happening all around me, and I'm so not a part of it.

I hate this.

I won! I won!

I've been SO busy lately, and one of my responsibilities this week was to attend a company trade show. It was fairly nice...but I won!

ME! I NEVER win! And I won TWO trips!

2 nights at Treasure Island in Las Vegas with tickets to Mystiere' (Cirque du Soliel)!!!

I'm going to take my daughter in December for her 17th birthday.

and...

3 nights at the El Dorado Royale in Riviera Maya, Mexico!

I'm going to take my husband for our 5 year anniversary.

I'm in shock.

AWOL

I know, I know...I haven't written in waaaaaaay too long.
I've been busy, ok?? Geez.
Yeah, I know...no one cares but me, but there's no need for me to get sassy with myself, either!

Today I'm attending my first travel seminar for Sandals resorts. Should be interesting...I hope.
In my head they will tell us all about their amazing resorts that I can't afford to go to, feed us some amazing Caribbean food like what they offer at their resorts, and give us bags full of cool gifts. In reality, I suspect it will be far more mundane.

So what's new? I have a cool new 4G Android phone, EVO...which makes me chuckle because the name sounds like EVIL to me. It can do so much, I feel lost! But when you're stuck with the same phone for 2 years, why not be ahead of the game & go for all the bells & whistles? Heck, maybe it will even make me blog more?

To the World!

So life is finally on the upswing!
I have a job!
As a travel agent!
I have at least one tour operator who wants to contract me for 2011!
I'm SO happy!
I just am itching to see the world!

Today a friend stopped into see me at work. We started chit chatting about Paul & I travelling with he & his wife to the UK next May. OH how I'd love that!
Now to contemplate squirrelling away money....

GLEEful

Today I'm riding the wave! Last night I was priveldged enough to experience the GLEE LIVE concert in Chicago. Good friends of mine had a series of circumstances that left them with a spare ticket to the show, and they were kind enough to offer it to me! Believe me, I was thrilled! (And my hubby was kind enough to stay not only with our two little ones, but their toddler as well.) So after a great day hanging out, we made our way to the Rosemont Theatre where we were a part of the "special " crowd...a pre-show, tickets in the first 10 rows, gifts and we even had the chance to meet the two guys in the cast who play "Kurt" and "Finn"! (Very nice guys.) The quality of performance was excellent! They not only sounded & looked as good or better than on the show, it was wonderful to see they had real stage presence & talent, not just something that comes from good television editing. So...here are some shots from the show I took with my cell phone camera:

Rollercoasters...and not the fun kind

I keep trying to stay up, but something keeps pushing me down.
Today my down is my husband.
He's really making me feel like I mean nothing to him.
That I'm a commitment that can't be broken, not something he cherishes.
I hate venting about certain things here, but it is what it is.
I'm not like some bloggers who air all their laundry for the sake of readership & a joke. I'm a journal blogger. This is my space where I choose to be public.
And today I'm upset.

A Fresh Start

As you can see I've "freshened up" the blog for summer.

I'm also working on "freshening up" my life.

In April I attending the Travel Management program at the International Guide Academy in Denver, CO. What an amazing experience! Within hours I realized that not only was I among a group of truly incredible people who have the same sort of interests & passions as I do, but that Paul & I had made the best decision in the world for me to attend. At 40+ I feel like all my experiences have come together & I've finally found what I was meant to do! It was incredibly intense, but I learned so much and I simply cannot wait to get touring! I've made some great new friends, and that was the cherry on top of it all!

Here's to the World!

The Lowest of Lows

Today I found out my unemployement has run out.
We're screwed.
I have NO idea what to do.
I hate this.
I hate me.

Mom

Happy Mother's Day to moms everywhere today!
My own beautiful mom is in a nursing home in FL, far away and I'm not able to talk to hear, sadly. But my mom is amazing. She was an only child, growing up in a high rise in Chicago. She was a professional figure skater for Sonja Henie. She was a talented dancer. She was stunningly beautiful. And funny. And could play the piano by ear. And has these long, graceful fingers with nails she's had professional done every other week. She was super blonde with blue eyes. And petite. VERY petite. I don't think she ever weighed more than 112 lbs. at her very heaviest. And only 5' tall and used to wear spike heels every day...and it was hard to keep up with her. She loved to shop. She liked to play Euchre with her close friends Jeanie & Ray. She and my dad deeply loved one another. She made the best stuffing in the world. She loved coffee and ice cream and Fannie May orange peel candy. She and I would sit up at night in bed when I was little, eating popcorn & watching Johnny Carson even though it was way past my bed time.
and I miss her.
and I love her.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I wish I could hug you "my little mama".

Overwhelmed

I've been in Colorado for a week now. It's truly spectacular! I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed now that things are wrapping up for my program. 3 days left. 3 projects/tests to pass. I SO want to be the top of the class...is that wrong? Shouldn't I just be content with my own success? Some things never change.

A Mother's Nightmare

I read this through "Life with Hannah & Lily" whom I've had a link to on my sidebar here for several years now. I am passing along this story in the hope that someone, somewhere can help this poor mother who is suffering the hell of having her own beautiful son be kidnapped by his father to another country. I cannot imagine it. I do not want to. I can only pray for this mother & her son to be reunited quickly. Look at the picture...that's Sara & her son. Please, if you know anyone who might know anyone who can help, please take a moment to pass this story on as well, thanks.
I have pasted this from the original post at Bailey's Leaf.


A friend of all of us at the gallery, Sara, is in the fight of her life to have her son returned to her. Her son was born in January 2008 in State College, Pennsylvania, USA. He is a U.S. citizen.

From the "Bring Abdullah Home" flier:


Abdullah Eli is a victim of Parental Child Abduction.

Abdullah Eli has been "deceptively removed from Ohio on March 4, 2010. [The father] deceived [Sara] into providing consent to travel outside of the United States on the written promise that Abdullah would be returned to his home in Ohio on May 4, 2010. Abdullah is known to be unlawfully and wrongfully retained in the home of his paternal grandparents in . . . Turkey."

"Sara is now fighting for emergency custody of Abdullah through Ohio courts, and is filing an application with the U.S. State Department for the return of her son through the Hague Abduction Convention, which is the primary civil law mechanism for parents seeking the return of children from other treaty partner countries. Additionally, Sara is fighting to have overturned the hasty and unlawful custody ruling which granted [the father] full custody of Abdullah on March 19, 2010- only 13 days after [their] arrival in Turkey."

Sara is reaching out to everyone who might be able to help bring Abdullah back home. If you or anyone you know are well-versed in situations such as these, please feel free to contact her at saradwrds at g mail dot com.

Please feel free to pull the permalink and to post to your page(s). The more that people hear of Sara's story, the more links we can have to people who may be able to help.

Regency Exhibition Ball 2010

Here are a few pics from the Regency Ball this year! It was a wonderful weekend, especcially since we rented out the entire Palmer House Inn B&B!

Regency Mad!

I haven't posted much simply because I've been SO busy preparing for the Regency Ball next weekend. I have LOTS of photos to be posted, and have been sewing like a mad woman. I promise to write more later!

True Star Quality

Last night were the Academy Awards. I can usually take them or leave them (leaving them more often than not). I DO enjoying seeing what people are wearing, of course, as well as the awards for Best Makeup and Best Costuming. And last night Colin Firth was up for Best Actor (which he SO should have won!) so I tuned in. Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress. She's ok. I don't jump at the chance to see her movies, but they are usually pretty decent.

But last night she earned some big brownie points with me thanks to her acceptance speech. It was charming, funny, and sincere (unlike so many others who seems highly contrived). Most of all, she thanked moms. ALL moms, but indirectly those moms who have adopted children. As someone with one of those moms, I'm grateful & lucky.

She honored "all moms that take care of the babies and children, no matter where they come from". And her own mother for "reminding her own daughter's there's no race, no religion, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation, that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love."

You're a true star, Sandra!

Who Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

So I've been unemployed since June.
It sucks.
No one will hire me.
Hell, no one will interview me!
I feel like a failure...and something has to change.
SO...
I've been reassessing what I want for the rest of my life.
My family & time with them.
Offering my kids everything I possibly can for them.
Travelling the world. (Preferably with my family.)
Writing again.
And if I can make money doing all of these things, I'll be happy!
SO...
I'm looking into taking a International Tour Manager Certification program.
Fingers crossed.
Wish me luck!

Happy 3rd Birthday My Handsome!

My handsome son, Sebastian, turned 3 years old on Sunday!

He's hilarious & charming & makes me smile every single day. His gorgeous blue eyes make me melt.

And he's obsessed with Doctor Who. You know, the British tv show? Yeah, I have no doubt he'll be the next Doctor!

So, of course we HAD to give him a Doctor Who birthday party!

I had to be pretty creative since you can't find anything Doctor Who in the USA!
I think I did a pretty good job, though!

Tardis on the cake...Tardis doors on the french doors entering the living room & party...the illusion of the Tardis console for the food table...chocolate pretzel sonic screwdrivers..."sonic screwdriver" punch...posters & stickers...stars...and his favourite, his gifts!

He received his very own Sonic Screwdriver ("Mama, it really works!"), an Ood Sigma, a Clockwork Man, and a Dalek to go with his Doctor and Capt. Jack he'd gotten at Christmas!

He even has his own companion...his little sister, Darcy!

Happy Birthday Little Man!

It was a day

My Valentine's Day this year was disappointing. Not only could I not get my husband a gift due to the ongoing financial struggle & lack of ideas in this household, nothing happened.
We had spent the weekend with good friend's in MI and so our day was spent driving home. Once home, it was dealing with feeding, bathing & putting to bed the little ones. At this point I poured a glass of wine, pulled out a few pieces of imported chocolate, expecting my husband to join me...and he went to bed.
That's it.
Nothing.
Nada.
He was feeling like a cold was coming on & went to sleep.
*sigh*
So much for romance.

Walk in the Shoes

Tonight I was struck by a news article that brought me to tears.
It was about opportunities for assistance to people in need...given by people in the community.
The statement that hit home was, "A lot of times people who have not used social services are embarrassed, even if their situation wasn't of their own making."
Do you have any idea how many people you know are a paycheck away from homelessness?
Do you have any idea how many "friends" you have here on Facebook are going hungry tonight?
Do you have any idea the brave front some of your family, friends, or co-workers are putting on when they are petrified of losing everything in a blink of an eye?
Do you have any idea how many of your acquintences here couldn't give you a dollar because they don't have one and yet have babies to feed?

If you know of someone looking for a job, help them to network, please.
If you know of someone needing a meal, cook them one, please.
If you know of someone who could just use a hug...open your arms.
PLEASE.

Last Year's Regency Ball

I found this on YouTube. Almost all of the shots of the dancing are of my friends & I at last year's Regency Exhibition Ball. I can't wait for this year!

Motivations

Today I met with the personal trainer. It was GREAT!

Unfortunately I can't afford him by any stretch of the imagination.

So, I'm going to attempt to put together a great workout program with help from SparkPeople & the web...and anyone elses suggestions, please?

He pointed out that if I were to lost 2 lbs. per week, in 6 months I'd be down 50 lbs.

6 months from now is Cedar Point time.

So that's my goal!

Millenium Force...and maybe even Top Thrill Dragster...here I come!

The Day I've Dreaded

Today is the day my kidlet moves.
Today is the day I no longer have her under my wings.
I won't be there to guide, argue, or celebrate.
I feel like a failure as a mom.
Today is the day I lose a part of my heart.

Hi, my name is GYM

I joined a gym yesterday.
I'm hoping to work out at least 3-4 days a week.
Weight loss & most importantly inches is my goal.

The Regency Ball is my goal right now.
2 months and 7 days from today I want to lose 10 lbs. by then.

Off to a...well...it's a start

2010 has been an interesting start thus far.
I got to spend time with my best friend for 4 days. BUT she was broken, had to have surgery, and will have a long healing time.
I went to a holiday party. BUT some of the people there made me want to punch them in the face they were so freakin' obnoxious.
I feel healthy & mostly energetic. BUT I realize I'm in the worst shape of my life.
I want to lose weight. BUT so far I haven't been able to get myself to do it.

I want 2010 to be great. BUT I'm scared.