I just finished watching "The Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith. I cried. Hard. Because I've known his desperation. I've been in that situation...not knowing where my child & I were going to sleep or if we would eat the next day. I've known that pain of wanting desperately to take care of your child and feeling alone and scared...but trying to make it good for them all at the same time. My daughter slept in a large closet I called a room & put up pretty sparkly things to try to make her feel like it was here little private space. I'd send her for an overnight with her grandmother or dad so she wouldn't know I didn't have any food in the house that night. I went many days without food, so she could eat. I've gone years without new clothes so she'd have anything she needed. I've played the game of "let's only use candles tonight" so she wouldn't know the electricity had been turned off. I pulled her into bed with me, under all the blankets we had when we had no heat. It sucked, and I'm not proud of it. But that hell only lasted a year or so. But I will never be the same person because of it. Fortunately today we have a house & the bills are paid (thank God for my husband). Money is tight, but nothing like it once was. So why is it that deep down I still feel scared? Since my father died & mom is invalid in a nursing home, I still feel alone in this world, despite my husband. Despite my friends.
The kidlet begins 8th grade tomorrow. I can't believe she's that old now. Each passing year makes me realize that we're a step closer to her adulthood. I'm scared she been hurt too much, too deeply, because of the bad curves life has thrown us while she was little. When do you truly know?
1 comment:
The sad fact of the matter is that you NEVER know what the future holds. You've done your best and -trust me- your best is WAY more than what a lot of other parents would do. Pookie will be fine. She's smart, clever, able to adapt, and as emotionally stable as a 13-year-old can be.
Stop comparing her earlier years to what you had. You were a child of excess. If you're going to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for the kid you were when you went off to college and didn't know how to make a bed, do laundry, or cook anything more than ramen and those bacon-wrapped water chestnut hors-deurves! Your Kaity has a big foot up on you when you were that age --she's had real life experiences. When the future hands her the occasional lemon, that kid will not only be able to make lemonade but a lemon chiffon cake!!
And THAT'S how you know you succeeded as a parent.
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