11 July 2007

Birthday Wishes, Karma & Marley Chains

I spent many years being a cynic, always believing it was better to expect the worst rather than be disappointed. I no longer view life so dark. I know what made me get over it...drastic events...being kicked to the curb (and the gutter), losing myself and having to pick my way back into life. The irony of these sorts of events making me less cynical is not lost on me, but then my life is often ironic. I tend to think I'm more of a realist now. I try to learn from my experiences, especially my mistakes and use them to move on, hopefully become a better person because of it.

And yet, I can't seem to move on from a few friendships I've lost. There are a couple of friends who took themselves out of my life, and try as I might, I can't seem to get over it. They are like Marley's Chains hanging around my neck, weighting me down, tightening now & again to remind me that no matter how I might try, I haven't let go. I want to, I really do. I want to be able to say "it's over, its been years since you've been in my life, and I've moved on". But try as I might, I can't. I can't because I know what wonderful people they really are. I know how uniquely talented they are. I know that my life, heck I was better, because they were in it. I haven't let go because they are no longer a part of my daughter's life & she still thinks of them fondly. I haven't let go because it makes me sad that my son may never have them in his life. I haven't let go because part of me still wonders if they ever think fondly of me, and if things could ever be mended?

I believe I have begun to make amends with one of them. She has influenced, inspired, and affected my life for a long time now, even when she wasn't always around. I am continually grateful for even the briefest glimpses she gives me into her life, despite my wish for more. She will always be my red angel. The second friend is silly & strange & talented. I hope she is having nothing but success. I may never know. And the third. The gentleman. Out there somewhere in the world celebrating his birthday today. I hope he's happy. I hope he's well. From him I will always wish for answers. I can do nothing but send the most wonderful of birthday wishes for him out into the world.

I know I should just get over it. I want to. I can't. The answers & the closure isn't there. The Marley Chains are too heavy. Perhaps they always will be?

1 comment:

Kassi said...

All I can say is...I know.