22 May 2006

Farewell My Friend

This morning I sold my car.
I know, people buy & sell cars all the time, but this effected me in a way I never expected it to. This car was a friend when I felt alone. It gave me freedom. I had a car given to me by my parents when I was in college, but when it died, my ex-husband had a few vehicles that were mine to drive, as well.
When we divorced, he took the car, leaving me to have to get my own transportation. That's when I purchased my Ford Taurus. It is the only car I've ever purchased on my own. It was liberating to have the knowledge it was all mine (no car payments), at a time I felt I had nothing left. It meant a new found freedom. I drove everywhere, including to a new state, a new life with my daughter, and a new approach to life in general. This car gave me independence. It was a great car, and I replaced a good many things in it to keep it well. But last fall it died. Engine troubles that would amount to over $1600. I'm not employed still, so I can't afford it. Besides, arguments come down to it not being worth investing in, and so when someone randomly came to my door asking if it was for sale, I had to let it go (for a measly few hundred dollars). But emotionally I feel like I'm not only losing a friend, but any chance of freedom I have. I feel that once again I'm dependent upon a man. And even though my new husband is kind and loving, I don't like feeling that way. Even with the car not running, as long as I had it, I had independence & freedom that was mine alone. Now I will have NO car (except his to borrow as I have for months anyway), and it's a difficult reality to face. I know we'll get me a new car one of these days, but for now I can't help but feel the pangs of guilt as I prepare to turn my friend over to someone else.


kassi said...

Caleb drives my symbol of independence while I drive the new mini van. But every time he takes it out to go to work I feel a pang of "take care of her for me"...I know where you are coming from. My Saturn was the very same thing for me.

Susan said...

Oh, My goodness, I didn't even have to read this whole entry to understand what you were saying...I knew how you felt after the first sentence...I felt that with my truck too...read my entry on March 24th of this year and you will know we are of kindred spirits. I thought I was alone in that kind of love for a material object!

Maybe another will come along that you will love just as much.