BIRTHDAYS

Tomorrow (4/21) is my birthday.
Paul's was yesterday.
Isn't it convenient?
But the reality of birthdays is that we aren't the same person,
we are older, and hopefully, wiser.
We have changed and evolved. We have another year of experience, and knowledge, behind us.
(We have no idea if we have another year ahead of us though. There's the kicker!)
What happens though, when you look back on the year, and see your own changes, but doubt if anyone else does?
That's sort of how I'm feeling right now...doubtful that any of the people I really hope see the changes do. Doubtful they even care to. And though I'd love to shout at them "Hey, look at where I was and who I was, and how much better (I think) I am now! I did it! I'm a good person, a better person!"
But the same person, all at the same time. The same person who loves my friends and family.
I'm kinder than I used to be...that's interesting to realize. I never thought of myself as a "bad" person, but I admit to being bitter. I'm happier too. And, without doubt, wiser.

Happy Birthday to me...I'd share it with you, if I could. I guess I am right now.

WAITING FOR...

I've lost touch with a friend.
I'd like to say I'm entirely to blame, but honestly, it does take two.
From what I've heard her life is good. She has a husband & child I wish I knew better.
She and I had such a past, its now hard to think we may never have a future.
We take friendships for granted sometimes, and its probably one of the most unfortunate aspects of life. We often feel that invincibility of "I'll do it tomorrow", and before we realize it tomorrow has become months...or years...and that connection is lost. Even if we try to reclaim it, that doesn't mean they will respond.

That's where I am right now, sending out messages, hoping for a response. Even it wasn't a positive one, a response would let me know.

I've also learned that sometimes we do things we have no idea we've done. Another friend who has chosen to be a memory blames me for something I'm not even aware of. I've apologized for whatever it may be, but how can we right a wrong we don't know about? It's really a wierd state of mind.

I have learned from these, and so many more experiences, that communication is give & take.
Last night Paul was angry about something, and once we truly communicated, realized it was based entirely upon assumptions, not truths.

The truth is communication.

NEW HOME...A BETTER LIFE
I'm going to get better at this blog posting, I swear it.
I've been inspired by a friend's blog to try to get better about it.

The news in my life this year...we bought a house.
It's a great place. A home to grow with. A home to entertain in.
Ours.
wow...that's almost surreal. I
t's a Craftsman Four Square built in 1917.
It's lovely.
Kaitlyn loves the large fenced in backyard.
Paul loves the natural woodwork throughout. ]
Me? I love that it's ours.

Ok, so its been forever since I've written.
Who really is to keep track besides myself anyway??

Paul proposed. That's my big news. In the long and arduous journey of relationship development, we reached a point that we both realized we love one another. And our friendship is strong and solid, and we think we can have a happy life together. Who'd a thunk? Ok, so from the beginning I said there was something different, something all together unique about him...and more importantly about him AND me together. And it's a good thing. Our bubble is intact, and includes Kaitlyn. She is happy. She loves him. And we can be a family together.

And he moved in. We've painted and decorated, and have a home. Ok, its still an apartment, but its a home. It's warm and comfortable, and ours. That makes me happy.

I hate that you can't just have money whenever you want it. Especcially money you've earned. I worked, therefore I should be able to have the cash, no? But instead my direct deposit hasn't gone in on Wednesday mornings like it usually does, and I'm broker than broke. All my moola last week went to fixing le car. And now I'm stuck with no poundage, no food, no gas and major frustration. grr.

I'm going to Florida. To visit my parents. In May. With Paul & Kaitlyn. I'm looking very forward to it. It was his idea. And he's been dreadfully sweet about it. Though he's worried about telling his parents. I wish they would just accept that we have a good, loving, healthy relationship. Oh wait...that would first mean they would have to know that we are "more than friends". Riiiight.

ugh.

MOVING DOWN THE ROAD...

I feel like a muppet...box me up and move me on. Yeah, I'm moving...again. Only down the road into Franklin, Wisconsin,which is literally something like a 2-3 mile move, but even that small distance is taking it's toll on me right now. Have I mentioned I detest moving? Have I lamented about how I hate everything I own at this point and wish I could just chuck it all out? Hateful hateful hateful.

I'm moving in with a friend, Michelle. She became a good friend when I met her at my birthday party back in April. (She's an old friend of Paul's.) So I'm having a roommate...in more than one way. This move means Kaitlyn and I have to SHARE a room. Kill me. SO much for an active healthy "ADULT" bedroom. *sigh* But, we do what we must to prepare for the future. That's what I keep trying to tell myself.

The future...I have new hopes for it...hopes I didn't think I'd ever have. But at this point and time, I keep it tucked away in my heart. I'm positive of it, believe entirely in it, and wait for the time it will arrive.

So...I'm going to try to update this thing more often. Good luck withthat.

xoKimba

CHEESE & PORN...PART DEUX

Updates...hardly something I thought much about over the past few months. You see...life threw me a real curve. Hell, that's a lie. Life picked me up by the ankles, shook me and threw me against the wall. Hard. But...amazingly enough, I didn't slip into a death-like coma. Instead I got myself up and tried to make sense of what direction to go. Sometimes the best way to go is a route you knew so well you didn't know you knew it. So here I am...in the land o'cheese...Wisconsin. I moved. I really did. And it's a good thing, all in all.

I am now the Assistant Entertainment and PR Director for the Bristol Renaissance Faire. Wow. Who'd a thunk? And I like it. Why? The people are cool, I respect the faire as a whole...and I'm good at it. Damn good at it. I'm proud to say it.

Of course, there must be a dark side. Kaitlyn is back in Michigan...but only until April. She stayed with her dad (the EX) while I earned some money and found us a place to live. Which I have successfully done. It's a really cute place in a really nice neighbourhood where she'll have other kids to play with...and I can't wait to have her here. In the mean time I've stayed with my friends, Kate & Pat...who really helped make this happen. I owe them alot...especcially for the state of my mental health. Staying sane inside the insanity...

This also means missing friends. Fortunately there is modern technology so I can IM with people and keep my contacts fresh. It's really important to me to keep those people whom I consider family. (note to Liz...move, move, move) I miss them...but they are only a short 5-hour drive away. I can think of much worse things. And now I have a whole new state to share and explore with them. That's a bit exciting, I think.

Do I have friends here? Yeah. Kate & Pat, of course...Paul, whom is an entry unto himself...and others. They will gain strength in the friendship pool one day.

But there it is...an update. My life in a nutshell...which I don't know if it's any better than a fortune cookie...but at least I'm semi-sane. Can you say the same?

CHEESE & PORN

When travelling on I-94 through Chicagoland and upward into Wisconsin, the first thing you encounter when crossing the state line are numerous cheese shops and "adult" shops. I find it entertaining. It makes me laugh.

You see I travel that route alot. When I say a lot, I really mean it. (I've driven that way 4 times in the past month.) I perform there. (www.renfair.com/bristol) I have friends there. And, as of late, it's been the place I've had the greatest amount of happiness. See, things have been pretty crappy here in Michigan, so I've been venturing northwestward to spend time with people who make me smile. And I've discovered Milwaukee is a really fun city. (Now that I sound like a travel commercial....)

This past weekend, my best friend, Kevin & I drove the now familiar drive into Cheeseland for a Christmas party. What a great weekend!

Paul, (no website for Paul...but you can check out where he works. www.genesisarchitecture.com) who has become a dear friend, took us to get into the Christmas spirit by visiting the Victorian mansion built by the beer mogul Mr. Pabst in the 1890s. It was beautiful, of course, though we were disappointed in the far too modern Christmas decor provided by local florists. (www.pabstmansion.com) It was worth the price of admission ($8) if nothing more than to drive Paul crazy with my incessant need to try to find trap doors and decipher (read: mutilate into my own translation) the turn-of-the-century German proverbs.

Perhaps we were inspired by the mecca built on alcohol, but we then proceeded to drink out way through the city. After passing the now defunct Pabst brewery (It seems Pabst felt the need to cease brewing in the city it was founded on about a year or so ago. As much as I detest American swill, i.e. beer, I found this deplorable.)
We made our way to The Safehouse. It is an absolutely amazingly fun spy-themed restaurant/bar that requires some special knowledge to get in (and out) of the secretly located building. James Bond definately would have been impressed. I'd tell you more, but then I'd have to kill you. (www.safe-house.com)

Feeling no pain, we swung in Cathedral Square, and threw snow at Kevin. I'm certain it was only because of Paul I didn't bleed. But since it was cold, Paul decided we needed to warm up at Club Havana, a cigar & martini bar. Well, none of us smoke, so Cosmopolitans it was! (they rivaled mine...mmmm.)

A quick change and we were out the door again to Paul's friend Matt's birthday celebration & many many more drinks. All I have t say about that portion of the evening is someone said I was fun and should join a bowling league. That was the cruelest thing ever said to me.

LITTLE THINGS
Appreciate the little things in life.
Good things come on small packages.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
"Short People ain't got no reason..."

I've always hated those phrases. I hate the mocking nature of being small. I hate that people talk down to kids. Even more so I hate people who show prejudice against those of us who are short. I can't begin to tell you the amount of times I've been out shopping with a tall friend, only to be completely ignored by the salesperson. As if short people don't spend money? It's one of the prejudices people are never aware of. And no one thinks there is anything wrong with teasing a short person. Guess what? We hate it. And yet,I am strangely attracted to tall men. I've had boyfriends of ridiculous heights. (6'2", 6'4", 6'6") I'd be tall if I could be...but science doesn't seem to see height augmentation as a real priority.

Today I signed a new client at work. The Majestic. (www.majesticdetroit.com) It's a great place in the cultural district of downtown Detroit. Well, as much of a cultural district as Detroit has. It's a restaurant, the oldest bowling alley, and a concert venue/theatre. It's my favourite place to go after a day at the art museum. (www.dia.org)

I like my job. These days I know not alot of people can say that, but I do. I work with a really cool group of people. (www.pridesource.com) I work for an "alternative" newspaper, though I'm the "alternative" one around here. (being the hetro in the gay world) And they accept me as the different one. I think more people should be the "alternative" one now and again...perhaps it would force them to be more accepting of difference?

HELP, I'M TRAPPED IN A FORTUNE COOKIE!

Inspired by a roommate of my best friend, I've chosen to record here...for anyone who cares to indulge me...random babble and perhaps an occasional flourish of inspiration. It's pretty hit and miss, and who can really know what will happen. Consider it therapy, and you are the lucky therapist who chooses to help this crazed lady. It could be a good thing.

Me...I suppose that's always the place to start.
At the moment home in Michigan proves to be less than thrilling. Or happy. But it's where I am for now. My sites are set elsewhere...Milwaukee, perhaps? Or Chi-town? London being the ideal. But for now it's Michigan, so hold on, it's a bumpy ride. (The roads in this state are the worst in the nation....just one of the many "worst in the nation" that Michigan holds the record for.)

I'd like to say I'm in some sort of happy, yeah it's the holidays, sort of state, but this year, I'm far from that. Money..the evil scrooge of lifehas put me in a trap of which there is little escape. I hate that I am forced to be sooo greedy right now, but the truth of the matter is, I'd knock down a little old lady if it meant I'd get a few thousand dollars.

I suppose I should state that this greedy isn't motivated by want...but sheer need. I need a place to live, a place for myself and my daughter. That's what the money is all about. That said...I'd love to be able to also go crazy mad buying Christmas gifts for the world. But necessity can't be met.

Now that you know the low...here are the highs.

A really groovy kid. My daughter will be 9 in 19 days. She rocks. Smart, pretty and funny. And these days actually very helpful. As someone who never cared about having kids, I have to say, she's my joy.

Friends. Groovy friends. I have some that are among the best in the world. I say this knowing that's what most people think, but it really is true. There is one in particular whom I'm frustrated to hell with, but I'm certain he'll redeem himself soon. The rest should now they are appreciated. Life is too short and unexpected to not say it.

Family. Anyone who knows me will find this to be a surprise statement, but sometimes you just have to be glad there are those people who you are forced to love but sometimes have to hate.