13 October 2006
Today is a day for me to attempt to maintain a semblence of calm. It isn't that today is anything particularly special, but I've been informed (not so kindly by my husband) that the way I've been saying things lately has been negative. Hmm...well...that's because I FEEL negative. I'm not enjoying life. In fact, I have no significant life to speak of right now. We are struggling with one vehicle, which leaves me stuck in the house 90% of the time (with the exception of work). That I don't have any friends around me to even invite over. HE is the one out acting in a play. HE is the one who gets to go to luncheons and cast dinners. HE gets to be social with people, and even on Sundays, our day together, HE doesn't have to pay for a damn thing. (Because his money goes to bills, mine goes to food & extras.) HE tells me that after the play he's going to get an extra part-time job, which means I'll still never see him. What HE doesn't get is OUR relationship is going to slip away in all this. I've lived through this before...unsuccessfully. I'm terrified because I'm seeing a pattern that ended poorly. HE is unflustered by it all and doesn't see why I could possibly be depressed or fearful. How do you make someone understand that once burned, you try to avoid the fire?