13 October 2006

Fireballs

Today is a day for me to attempt to maintain a semblence of calm. It isn't that today is anything particularly special, but I've been informed (not so kindly by my husband) that the way I've been saying things lately has been negative. Hmm...well...that's because I FEEL negative. I'm not enjoying life. In fact, I have no significant life to speak of right now. We are struggling with one vehicle, which leaves me stuck in the house 90% of the time (with the exception of work). That I don't have any friends around me to even invite over. HE is the one out acting in a play. HE is the one who gets to go to luncheons and cast dinners. HE gets to be social with people, and even on Sundays, our day together, HE doesn't have to pay for a damn thing. (Because his money goes to bills, mine goes to food & extras.) HE tells me that after the play he's going to get an extra part-time job, which means I'll still never see him. What HE doesn't get is OUR relationship is going to slip away in all this. I've lived through this before...unsuccessfully. I'm terrified because I'm seeing a pattern that ended poorly. HE is unflustered by it all and doesn't see why I could possibly be depressed or fearful. How do you make someone understand that once burned, you try to avoid the fire?

3 comments:

Kassi said...

OMG Kimba...I can't even begin to express how very very much I feel exactly the same way...EXACTLY. If you get the answer to this please tell me, and if I do, I'll tell you.

I think that it must be something in the air, or the fact that as you said...once burned...one tends to stay away from the fire.

angela said...

I hate to say it, but until Todder was about 9 months old, I felt like I was not a part of things...that everyone was doing stuff but me. I think most moms of little kids feel this way. But it reeks...

Anonymous said...

Kimba - - you have two lives right now. DO NOT forget that you have the most incredible love forming inside you, and that no luncheon or dinner or social engagement could be more meaninful than the network you're creating EVERY MOMENT with your son.

Your relationship WILL NOT slip away... not if you both work at it - - and you KNOW that the woman has to work twice as hard, and you KNOW that there's no use in complaining that life is not fair, because life is NEVER fair. If you want this, make yourself do the work to do your work and make him do his as well.

Breathe, remind yourself that he's calm because he loves you and he knows that you love him, and he doesn't believe that ANYTHING could damage that relationship. Then explain to him the things that make you fearful, and the things that make you sad.

And TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what that is, figure it out first. Tell him tht you feel that your happiness right now depends on it, and when he provides it, be grateful.

Apart from that, enjoy the quiet and ever building bond you have with your baby... and the peace and happiness of knowing that EVERYTHING he needs, he gets from you, all the time. That kind of rewarding feeling is so beautifully rare in this world...