Those Old Crazy Days

I'm heading down to Chicago in about an hour to spend the day with a dear old friend who now lives in NYC and whom I haven't tseen in years. We used to perform together at the Michigan Renaissance Festival ("back in the day") and had some wonderful crazy times together. Sarah is the sort of person who could seriously intimidate if she really wanted to...she has piercings & tattoos all over and doesn't take crap from anyone. But, in reality, she is one of the sweetest, kindest people you'd ever want as a friend. She used to take the Kidlet to the Detroit Zoo when she was little, after all. But now she lived in NYC, works on the set of "Ugly Betty", and we haven't hung out in years. I worry that I'm going to come across as dull. That in the years of motherhood & wifedom I've become boring (something I've lamented about myself recently). I don't feel I've gotten old (though the Big 4-0 has recently become a reality) but rather, just much, much, much less talkative, fun & generally interesting...especially to my NYC, celebrity elbow-rubbing friend.

Mama Lost

Today I'm feeling lost, and anything but a superhero. Stuck somewhere between the me I once was & the me I'd like to be. I can't help but feel that I messed up somewhere along the way & in making the choices I made, totally have made life more difficult for not only myself, but my kids, specifically my daughter. I can't help but feel "if only" and "what if" right now. I haven't a career in the respectable sense, but I'm not wealthy enough to not work. I know what I want, but I don't have the resources to do make it happen the way I want it to happen. People know what I can do, yet no one hires me. Worse, no one recommends me to others to hire. I once identified myself as "writer" and now I'm lucky if I can get a blog written that isn't complete fluff. I once was seen as "creative" now I have an occasional moment of crafty brilliance, but otherwise nada. I once was "philosophical & loved to debate", now my conversations amount to little more than the latest episode of "Oprah". I WANT to be the superhero. I want to make the world great for my kids. I want to take them to see the world, and experience it first hand. I want my daughter to be an exchange student, to learn languages, to see great art, to stand inside the beautiful architecture of Europe, to have a crush on an English boy, to write about the canals & rivers, to smell the French lavender, and taste the strudel. Instead I'm feeling like I can do no more than let her check a book out of the library and hope we return it on time.