The Golden Rule

So, in a follow up to my last post, I'm still struggling with my faith, but I have come to a few conclusions about it all.  I DO believe there is a God, that isn't the issue.  However, I do NOT believe in the "it's in God's hands" or "God has a greater plan"  pre-destination sorts of philosophies.  I DO, however, believe that God have us Free Will and expects us to do good with us.  That the whole point of Jesus Christ was to encourage us to not be self-centered and to care about your fellow man, across the board, no matter how "shunned" they are by society.  THIS is the biggest hypocrisy I see in so many people who claim themselves "Christians". Live by "The Golden Rule" to Do Onto Others as You Would Have Done Onto You.  
In trying to find some comfort in faith, we have started going to a Unitarian Universalist church.  I will always consider myself a Catholic, and really love the pomp & circumstance of the Catholic mass, but I like the sense of Community at the UU church.  I just wish I could find a combination of the two.  Until then, I'll continue to focus on figuring it all out this Advent season.

Lost Faith

'Tis the season.
And I've lost my faith.
People talk about "God's greater plan".  I don't buy it.
People talk about "it's in God's hands".  I'm not believing it.
People say, "Just have faith".  I can't anymore.
If God's greater plan is to let good people suffer without any hope of living life & merely existing in pain, 
then God's a real jerk. If God's plan is to let little children be abused, he's clueless.  
I WANT to have faith.  I WANT to believe God is out there looking out for us.  
But I'm really having a hard time trusting it anymore.
I WANT to have comfort in God, but all I feel is angry.
Angry that my mom, a beautiful, vibrant, kind lady has had to suffer a non-life for years now.
Angry that good people get nothing for their kindness or hard work. 
Angry that innocent children are killed at the hands of creatures worse than any wild animal.
Angry that good, loving couples are denied children yet teenagers or drug addicts or worse can get pregnant at a glance.
Angry.  At a God who allows it to happen.
And angry at the people who say it's "God's Will".  
Bullshit!
My faith is hanging on by a shoestring, God.  Can't I have some sign to restore my faith?

Sunflower Girl

This is Abby.  Beautiful, isn't she?
She is the daughter of some very dear friends of mine.  
Someone told her about something horrible called the Choking Game. Or Pass Out. Or some other stupid name because it is NOT a game.  Kids, apparently are doing this thinking they'll get a rush from it. They aren't.  They are killing brain cells, at best.  Too often they are dying.
All the details can be found HERE. 
People need to be informed about this!
Kids need to be warned against this!
Parents need to be aware of it!
I cannot plead, beg or petition you enough to read about it.  Learn about it.  
And most importantly, tell EVERYONE about it!
This beautiful girl passed away recently because of this horrific "game".  
In her memory, PLEASE help prevent another amazing child from dying.

Losing Faith

I'm angry.
I've tried to hard to be faithful...to believe in God...to trust Him.
But I'm losing my faith because horrible people continue to do horrible things, while good people suffer.
This week my mother is suffering...to a point that she may be slowly dying.
My mother is the most devout person I've ever known.
My mother put all her trust in God.
She was gifted with incredible talent as a dancer & figure skater.
Her ability to use her legs was taken away by MS.
My mother adored my father.
He was taken away unexpectedly & quickly.
My mother was raised well to do, and loves enjoying life, particularly really good foods.
Now her ability to eat is being taken away.
This is cruel.
It's not fair.
And I'm angry.
Very angry.
I want to scream at God. I want to hit Him.
I want to know why she should be forced to suffer.
I want my mom back.

Gleeful through the Tears

Last night was the most powerful episode of the TV show GLEE.
Hilariously called "Grilled Cheesus" it focused on religion, faith, beliefs, fear, and doubt. It really hit home for me, and despite feeling terribly sick, I cried my way through the episode.

After my father's death 5 years ago, and my mom's struggle with MS, I've found myself doubting my faith again & again. I get angry because my mom is probably the most devout person I've ever known, and yet she suffers in pain every day. Mom never missed a Holy Day or Sunday at Church. She prays daily. She is a kind, giving person. She is unable to walk at all. She had been a professional figure skater & dancer, and this is the punishment she has been given. Why?!?!

My father was raised by faithful parents, and converted to Catholicism as an adult. He would have loved to have been a priest, and vowed to if mom had passed away first. He adored my mom and took incredible care of her. He taught me to expect a lot from a husband...and life. Then, despite being incredibly healthy & strong, in a moment he died. Fast, unexpected, and long before his time. Why?!?!

So I'm grateful to the cast of GLEE for their bravery in presenting a topic, that could be so controversial, so eloquently.

Faith or Fear?

Ok, I'm going to risk offending someone, but this is my blog, so I can express my thoughts, and if you can add any insight to counterpoint to this, I welcome it.
That said...today I realized evangelical christians scare the crap out of me! Seriously! I am a firm believer in balance; that any extremes are bad. And these people are definately the extreme. I had Jehovas Witnesses at my door...thankfully they left with a simple "I'm sorry, but I don't believe the same things you do and I really don't have the time to get into a discussion about it." I've actually gotten into religious discussions with these people before...and had an older man shake my hand & left respecting me despite the fact that I'm Catholic. But what really disturbed me was the fact they were dragging their children around with them. Little kids, no more than 10 and as young as about 6, dressed in long sleeves & trousers (or skirts) on a humid 90+ degree day, while all the other kids are running around playing & swimming. Is this the self-sacrifice God expects of us? Somehow, I don't think so.

Then I had to satiate my curiousity and watch the documentary "Jesus Camp". Wow...talk about scary! These evangelical Christians are only perpetuating fear in children. They are teaching them ridiculous things like "there is no such thing as global warming". Ok, its one thing to argue creationism vs. evolution (a pointless argument to me as I believe they go hand in hand) but its another thing to say global warming is a lie. What?? Are you kidding me? (Watch "An Inconvenient Truth" please!) They are teaching kids that God allows us to hate anyone who doesn't believe what they believe. They are telling kids things like"Harry Potter is evil & would be killed if this was during the Old Testament". Uh...hello....have you actually read the Old Testament? 1. Taught in parables. 2. If you are going to say that is the teaching of the Bible to believe then you sure as heck better not be eating an shellfish or certain meats either. People, you don't get to pick & choose which parts of the Bible suit your needs! And by virtue of calling yourselves "Christians" that means you believe in Jesus Christ, and therefore the teachings of the New Testament...stories of love & kindness & forgiveness. Jesus embraced the outcasts for a reason...to show love to ALL. *sigh*

I truly believe our American media perpetuates fear. These people simply live by it, and unfortunately, are breeding a new generation with fear AND hate.
Update: I feel like I have to say, so I don't sound like a hypocrite...I don't expect others to believe what I believe. That's why I welcome any opposing views...or support.

Birthday Wishes, Karma & Marley Chains

I spent many years being a cynic, always believing it was better to expect the worst rather than be disappointed. I no longer view life so dark. I know what made me get over it...drastic events...being kicked to the curb (and the gutter), losing myself and having to pick my way back into life. The irony of these sorts of events making me less cynical is not lost on me, but then my life is often ironic. I tend to think I'm more of a realist now. I try to learn from my experiences, especially my mistakes and use them to move on, hopefully become a better person because of it.

And yet, I can't seem to move on from a few friendships I've lost. There are a couple of friends who took themselves out of my life, and try as I might, I can't seem to get over it. They are like Marley's Chains hanging around my neck, weighting me down, tightening now & again to remind me that no matter how I might try, I haven't let go. I want to, I really do. I want to be able to say "it's over, its been years since you've been in my life, and I've moved on". But try as I might, I can't. I can't because I know what wonderful people they really are. I know how uniquely talented they are. I know that my life, heck I was better, because they were in it. I haven't let go because they are no longer a part of my daughter's life & she still thinks of them fondly. I haven't let go because it makes me sad that my son may never have them in his life. I haven't let go because part of me still wonders if they ever think fondly of me, and if things could ever be mended?

I believe I have begun to make amends with one of them. She has influenced, inspired, and affected my life for a long time now, even when she wasn't always around. I am continually grateful for even the briefest glimpses she gives me into her life, despite my wish for more. She will always be my red angel. The second friend is silly & strange & talented. I hope she is having nothing but success. I may never know. And the third. The gentleman. Out there somewhere in the world celebrating his birthday today. I hope he's happy. I hope he's well. From him I will always wish for answers. I can do nothing but send the most wonderful of birthday wishes for him out into the world.

I know I should just get over it. I want to. I can't. The answers & the closure isn't there. The Marley Chains are too heavy. Perhaps they always will be?

Independence

To anyone who knows me, I am far from being a patriot. That doesn't mean I don't support the basic liberties this country is known for. I am a firm advocate of free speech & adhere to the "if you don't like it, turn the channel" philosophy. I believe people can & should speak out on injustices in the country & government. I believe in freedom of religion, and with that allowing debate & discussion (not terrorism). Basically, I believe that in a "land of the free", we should, in fact, be free. I also believe that in a country that declares itself a democracy, we should actually be a democracy.

However, I do think that many of our rights are being stripped from us. I believe that the seperation of Church & State is being destroyed. I believe that Capitalism is taking over in all aspects of living in the USA. I believe that the most basic needs of people, and especcially children, are being compromised. And because of these things, I belive that this Independence Day we need to reclaim that independence as the citizens of the USA. We need to stop being silent & complacent about the issues -- whatever they are -- that bother us and let our government know! Thousands of young men & women have died --and continue to die--in Iraq, and our President still refuses to hear the voices of the US public, crying out.

I urge everyone to please take advantage of this 4th of July to do more than have burgers on the grill. Write a letter. Give a speech. Educate a young person. And contact our "so-called" leaders & let them know what you want to change in this country. Here's a good place to start.

The Reign

Life is better with sleep. Just in case you weren't aware of it, it is. I just wish the rainy weather would cease.

That said I'm finally finding some time to write...not that I have great amounts to say.

This week I have been thinking of the value of friendship. I have had some wonderful friends in my life. People who truly are to be cherished. Some have fallen out of my daily existance, sadly, but always there in my mind & heart. Some of those I'm able to keep tabs on via modern technology. Others are always a phone call away. But those friends sustain me when I'm down, or alone, or tired. Even Paul I call friends first, husband second. Easter always makes me think of friends, though I don't think I've ever spent an Easter with them.

I saw a great film last week, "Reign over Me" with Adam Sandler. It reminds us that life can change drastically in a moment, and that we need people. We can't go life alone.

The Home Stretch

Well, despite what my baby ticker above says, I only have 5 days until the baby is scheduled to arrive. This will probably be my last post until after that, since my computer at home is on the fritz and away being fixed (hopefully). I want to thank everyone who has given me/us support, wisdom, and friendship over these past months...and for more to come, I'm certain! I will definately let ya'll know the whos, wheres, what, whens & hows of his arrival as soon as I possibly can!

I'm nervous, I must admit. Today is my final day at work before beginning maternity leave and as long as I was still working it meant I still had time. But here it is, and the reality of it all is starting to hit...in a couple of days I'll have a son. Wow! That's hard to imagine. I'm starting over as a parent. And I'm worried I won't know what to do! Wish us luck, keep us in your thoughts & prayers...we'll let you know how the journey begins!

Kindness

I've had some really crappy jobs. Ok, maybe the jobs weren't really crappy, but some of the people I've worked with...or for...have been. So now that I have a job I really enjoy and some amazing people to work for & with, I am grateful. Today they proved even more how sweet they are by giving me a "congratulations on the baby/we'll miss you while you're on maternity leave" luncheon. Yummy Mexican food, adorable presents for baby boy, and a $50 gift card to "use on baby if you must, but really you should use it for yourself". This from 2 great bosses & 1 co-worker whom I can't appreciate enough. Yeah...sometimes you have to see why the people & the job are worth more than the low salary.

Speaking of kindness, I was actually touched by last night's season finale of "Beauty & the Geek". Yes, I admit to being an addicted fan of the reality show, but it reminds me of oh-so-many people I've know...both the beauties AND the geeks. My favourite "geek" won, which made me happy, but it was the second place "geek" that was the real hero of the show. See, his teammate, this bimbo named CeCe, hadn't changed, hadn't been affected by the experiment of the show, hadn't grown as a person. She is the kind of person who believes she deserves to be pampered, taken care of, and have only wealthy men in her life...and will stomp on anyone who tries to prevent her from having it. Her bleached blonde, little girly voice image had to be preserved at any cost...and because of it, her partner Nate, was more than willing to give up the $250,000 prize money in the hopes that maybe, just maybe someday she would learn a lesson from the whole thing. It was about his growth, his self-sacrifice in this day & age when most people really seem out for the cash, the glory, the celebrity of reality TV. He proved that the point of the show really is about people and self-growth. Maybe its goofy to be moved by a TV show created by Ashton Kutcher of all people...but it seems like one of the few shows on primetime these days that really gets into the psyche and emotions and basics of people and stereotypes...and that kindness does win in the end.

The Golden Child...er...Piglet

So in my ever present quest to learn something new every day, today I was excited to learn that 2007, in the Chinese calendar, is not just the Year of the Pig, but rather the Year of the Golden Fire Pig. (let's have a collective "oooh, ahhh" here please) Apparently every 600 years or so this combination means that anyone born under this sign will live a life of luck & wealth. (Alright! At least one of my kids might take care of me in my old age?) Apparently this is causing all sorts of havoc at the hospitals in China & Korea as people are racing to have kids born this year. I have never put alot of faith in horoscopes, but I am always impressed when I read the traits of each of the signs on the placemats at Chinese restaurants. I just know that if my son can have luck & financial stability throughout his life, who can argue with that?

On a side note, the 13 year old kidlet made me proud last night. Her CO2 car was on display at the Technology Fair. Her teacher said that though hers wasn't the fastest, it was the most creative. (It looked like a goldfish.) He also said she is the hardest worker in class & the least trouble. Ah, golden words to a mother!

The Other Parents...the Godly Ones

Last Friday we invited the hubby's sister and one of his oldest friends over for dinner & games. It was a lovely evening and we surprised them both by asking them to be the godparents to our forthcoming bambino. It was a decision we didn't take lightly and chose them because 1. they are both Catholic (a requirement of the church), 2. they are both people whom we feel can bring an interesting perspective of life to our son, 3. will be active participants in his life, and 4. who really have a strong sense of faith and are comfortable with expressing their religious and worldly views. It's not an easy task to select those individuals whom are supposed to take on that "Godly" role in a child's life. I realize that most "Godparents" don't really fulfill much of a role beyond the baptism, but I'd really like it to be more than that. I'd like to think that they will have a special place in his life. Of course, I believe that all of our friends bring new perspectives and experiences to us, that's why we choose them as friends, and why we want them in our children's lives. I'm proud to say that I have friends who are bright, intelligent, vibrant souls who can show him that people are all different. That's exciting.

Well, the new godfather brought baby a gift, unknowingly. It's this cool Rainforest bouncey seat that makes waterfall simulation, rainforest sounds & songs. It's sooo cute and colourful! I firmly believe someone needs to make something like this for adults...wouldn't you want a big comfy chair to relax in with soothing sounds & vibrations?