Finding a new Normal

Well...it's been a couple of years since I've blogged.  Life..travel...all those wonderful things that keep a person busy have taken priority, and honestly, I just didn't feel like writing.
So why am I revisiting this?  Because my life has taken a turn I never saw coming and I feel like I need to write about it.  I don't expect anyone to read this, but if you're here and are reading it...this is what it is now.
I am in kidney failure.
It seems I have a genetic kidney disease...polycystic kidney disease (PKD)...but as I was adopted, I never knew.  Lucky me. (Sarcasm fonts really DO need to exist.)
So, despite the fact I have no other medical conditions (that's actually a really good thing, most people in renal failure can't say that, apparently), I currently have only 9% kidney function. I have no pain, no real problems, just kidneys that need to be replaced.
So you'd think, Great, get a transplant!  Insurance. Don't get me started on why we need universal healthcare.  (I have insurance, they just don't want to pay for a transplant...it's just my life, no big deal, right?!)

Here's the deal...I'm active.
I am a Tour Manager.  I have kids.  I'm an actor and event planner.
And now my life is complicated by this "gift" of kidney failure.
I don't like being told I can't...and I'm going to do my best to NOT let this stop me.
But it's hard.
And slightly depressing.
And so I need to write about it...so I DON'T fall into a state of depression.

Bear with me.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

My Husband is a Time Lord

My family are Doctor Who fans.  Whovians.  For many, many years now.  We didn't jump on the DW band wagon with most of Americans in the past year or two, but 30 or so years ago.  That said, we haven't missed an episode of the "newer" series (which started with the 9th Doctor) and despite many years of fandom, I consider the 10th Doctor (played by David Tennant) MY Doctor.  There are many reasons for this, mostly that he embodies what I feel ALL the other Doctors before him were doing, as well as being brilliantly clever, witty, compassionate and trusting.  And he's the spitting image of my husband.  (Needless to say, I find him amazingly sexy. The Doctor.  And my husband, of course.)  They are both 6'3" skinny men with the exact same build, charming & kind personalities, and wit. The only serious difference?  David Tennant has brown eyes, while my husband has very blue ones.  Oh, and their accents. Well, I'm writing this because many people have doubted me when I say they look alike, so I'm posting this so those people can actually see I'm NOT crazy.
These are pics of my husband.

And these are David Tennant...the 10th Time Lord:

I'm proud to be The Doctor's Companion!

Hands I wish I could hold

I've been AWOL for a long time here, not having words I felt worth posting.  Not feeling focused in my life.  There are many things I could say about my world. But today I can't.

On December 14th a monster stormed into an elementary school in CT and performed the most unthinkable of acts.  Armed with weapons of warfare that should never be in the hands of any individual other than a trained soldier, this creature blew its way into a secured school filled with children learning their letters and getting ready for Christmas, and killed them.  Five adults all trying to stop the monster, trying to protect these babies lost their lives being heroes. And the monster killed it's own mother, too.  And worst of all, 20 babies, all aged 6 or 7, were killed.  Violently.  Maliciously.  Riddled with multiple bullets into their teeny tiny bodies.  If there were ever a hell, this is it. Their only crime was being precious & sweet.  They had lovely smiles and laughter and were excited for Santa to come bring presents and hug their mommies & daddies. They deserved to live and grow and sing and dance.  

I haven't stopped crying over this, several days later.  Every time I close my eyes I see those sweet babies.  I  weep for they are about the same age as my little ones. It could be my babies, and to that I can't stop crying.  I know how much this hurts my heart, and can't begin to comprehend the sheer pain in the hearts of their parents.  They should be wrapping presents and decorating cookies with their precious babies, not putting them in caskets!  I cry for their loss, their pain, their emptiness, their guilt.  How will they ever be able to tell their other children there is no boogey man & make them feel safe?  How will they, themselves, ever feel anything but incomplete?  

I cry for the other children in the school who survived but heard the shooting & screaming.  How will they ever trust again?  How will they ever feel safe again?   I cry for the teachers, heroes all of them, for doing everything to protect the children.  How will they trust again or face each new class with confidence?  I cry for the first responders who had to walk into that school and see the carnage of innocent children.  I'm sure their nightmares are worse than mine, because they are real.  I cry for the entire community because "normal" will never be the same.  And I cry for all of us, as parents, who can never feel our little ones are actually safe at school anymore.

Most of all I cry for those little innocent children who only wanted to learn to read and write and play.  

I have many feelings regarding guns in this country, but that's for another day.  Right now, these sweet souls need to be remembered and mourned.  I refuse to know the name of the monster or acknowledge it.  It deserves no recognition.  Only love will make any change in this world.

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Rachel Davino, 29

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Dawn Hochsprung, 47

Madeline Hsu, 6

Catherine Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Lauren Rousseau, 30

Mary Sherlach, 56

Victoria Soto, 27

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison Wyatt, 6

Rest in peace. 

"Vacation, all I ever wanted..."

The Go-Go's song "Vacation" has been running through my head all morning as I've been trying to figure out where to getaway.  We can't afford a big family vacation, but we CAN afford a romantic weekend getaway with the help of the airline vouchers I have & need to use. The most ideal time for us to go is in January  due to a variety of factors.  That means we really would prefer to go someplace warm.  But that creates new complications.  (Price, times, etc.)  Right now it seems the toss up is either Colonial Williamsburg or maybe visiting the Biltmore in NC.  Other possibilities could be New Orleans (though we've been there), Phoenix or San Fran.  We could do Cancun, but it's the all-inclusive pricing that is SO much pricier than we really want for a weekend in our current financial situation.
SO...I'm concerned about weather in VA in January, but it could be quite beautiful, too?  
Anyone have any advice?

The Results are in!

Had my doctor follow-up yesterday.
The Good News:  My cholesterol is fine.  I am not anemic.  I have no thyroid condition.
The Bad News:  I have high blood pressure & am now on medication for it.    My insulin isn't great.  I am not diabetic, but if I don't get things under control I could reach that level.  Something else shows I have some sort of kidney problem going on.  That scares me more than anything.  I went into the hospital for lab work and have to have an renal ultrasound next week.  Feeling nervous but I can't overstress until I know what's going on.  Praying, nonetheless.

Falling Downward

I had a dream last night I was floating in a body of water, and I suddenly flipped over & was staring down into a cavernous abyss.  It was deep blues & black, and foreboding.  I startled myself awake.
I realized it was a reflection of how I'm feeling.  
I'm scared of falling into the abyss.
My blood pressure is up.  That terrifies me.  I'm afraid my blood work will come back with even worse news.
I constantly fear I will never live out my dreams to see the world.
I'm in fear of not experiencing the world with my kids.
As much as I love the water, I don't want to drown.

Taking control

I joined Weight Watchers online today.
I'm not going to say much about it other than the fact that I hope it helps.
Wish me luck, please.

On the Road. Again.

My touring season has officially begun!
So far I've been to MN twice in prep.  Took a group from St. Paul to Chicago.  Then took a group from Bangor, WI to Chicago.  Next week I take a group to Nashville & Memphis.  And then I'm off to Orlando with yet another group.  I'm hoping more tours come up soon, but these should all prove exciting.

I love my job.  I get paid to travel.  I get to meet interesting people.
I get exhausted beyond words.  I hurt my feet.  And I miss my family.
But that said, I wish I could travel all the time.

I need to get back on the ice

I used to be a figure skater.

This video inspires me.

http://news.yahoo.com/vitality/

A Challenge ...Austen Style!

I've always loved to read.  I was a very early reader.  I still love to, even though I don't have nearly as much time as I'd like, but I make the time every night before going to sleep, no matter what time it is. 

So I decided to look for a Reading Challenge for 2012, and wouldn't you know the very first one I came across was a Jane Austen-inspired one?  

Here is the Goodreads page for it: http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/59617.Explore_the_Many_Genres_of_Jane_Austen_Spinoffs_2012_Reading_Challenge

I like that is has 8 genres you have to read from, not just Jane's books.

Variation Stories: An example of this would be "Darcy's Voyage" by Kara Louise. Essentially this category is for writers who have taken the original story, and changed it. 

Sequel: An example of this would be books by Rebecca Ann Collins, books that follow the Darcy's or Knightly's or whomever after the original story ends. 

Jane Austen as a Fictional Character: 

Paranormal: An example of this would be "Jane and the Damned" by Janet Mullany. These are stories in which Jane Austen characters, or Jane herself, become or interact with vampires, sea monsters, etc.

Modern Adaptation: An example of this would be "Persuading Annie" by Melissa Nathan. Jane Austen's stories written in a modern time frame.

Mystery: A great series is the Mr. and Mrs. Darcy mysteries by Carrie Bebris.

Supporting Characters: These are books based on the supporting characters in the book such as Georgiana, Charlotte Lucas, etc. An example would be "Charlotte Collins" by Jennifer Becton

Books by Jane Austen: Many of you have become Austen fans through the movies, or maybe you are a die hard Pride and Prejudice fanatic. Read a novel by Jane: Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Northanger Abbey, Mansfield Park, Persuasion or Sense and Sensibility. You could even read one of the incomplete works, such as Lady Susan, to complete this challenge.

 The hardest part of this challenge, for me, is finding books I haven't read already!  Anyone up for joining me in this challenge? Let me know!
Here the link to the main info page: http://existingstricky.blogspot.com/2011/12/explore-many-genres-of-jane-austen.html

Waiting at the starting line

I went to the gym.
The kids club was closing 50 minutes after I got there, so I managed to walk around, check things out & do 15 minutes of cardio.
Then I went back today.
I had a one hour consult with a trainer.  It was helpful & gave me some info I needed.
I probably won't be able to get back until next week because of the holiday.
*sigh*
It guess I'll use this time to indulge because then it's time to take control.

Let's Do This!

I looked at a photo of myself taken this morning & thought, "Dear God, is that REALLY what I look like"?
SO...I decided I'd take care of what I could immediately.  I got myself a haircut!
Our gym FINALLY opening in 3 days.
I need to commit.
I want to look good in a photo for our Holiday Letter next year.
I want to look good for my daughter's graduation in June.
I want to look good for a friend's wedding in DC in June.
I have a LOT to change in 6 months.
Here's hoping for strength, motivation & support.
And a boosted metabolism!

The Golden Rule

So, in a follow up to my last post, I'm still struggling with my faith, but I have come to a few conclusions about it all.  I DO believe there is a God, that isn't the issue.  However, I do NOT believe in the "it's in God's hands" or "God has a greater plan"  pre-destination sorts of philosophies.  I DO, however, believe that God have us Free Will and expects us to do good with us.  That the whole point of Jesus Christ was to encourage us to not be self-centered and to care about your fellow man, across the board, no matter how "shunned" they are by society.  THIS is the biggest hypocrisy I see in so many people who claim themselves "Christians". Live by "The Golden Rule" to Do Onto Others as You Would Have Done Onto You.  
In trying to find some comfort in faith, we have started going to a Unitarian Universalist church.  I will always consider myself a Catholic, and really love the pomp & circumstance of the Catholic mass, but I like the sense of Community at the UU church.  I just wish I could find a combination of the two.  Until then, I'll continue to focus on figuring it all out this Advent season.

Lost Faith

'Tis the season.
And I've lost my faith.
People talk about "God's greater plan".  I don't buy it.
People talk about "it's in God's hands".  I'm not believing it.
People say, "Just have faith".  I can't anymore.
If God's greater plan is to let good people suffer without any hope of living life & merely existing in pain, 
then God's a real jerk. If God's plan is to let little children be abused, he's clueless.  
I WANT to have faith.  I WANT to believe God is out there looking out for us.  
But I'm really having a hard time trusting it anymore.
I WANT to have comfort in God, but all I feel is angry.
Angry that my mom, a beautiful, vibrant, kind lady has had to suffer a non-life for years now.
Angry that good people get nothing for their kindness or hard work. 
Angry that innocent children are killed at the hands of creatures worse than any wild animal.
Angry that good, loving couples are denied children yet teenagers or drug addicts or worse can get pregnant at a glance.
Angry.  At a God who allows it to happen.
And angry at the people who say it's "God's Will".  
Bullshit!
My faith is hanging on by a shoestring, God.  Can't I have some sign to restore my faith?

Smiles

My kids crack me up.  Here we have, from Halloween, Miss Tinkerbell & Master Skywalker disguised as a Storm Trooper & Darth Vader.  They never cease to make me laugh.  I really do cherish them.
My other kidlet received her first college acceptance!  Where did time go?

Sunflower Girl

This is Abby.  Beautiful, isn't she?
She is the daughter of some very dear friends of mine.  
Someone told her about something horrible called the Choking Game. Or Pass Out. Or some other stupid name because it is NOT a game.  Kids, apparently are doing this thinking they'll get a rush from it. They aren't.  They are killing brain cells, at best.  Too often they are dying.
All the details can be found HERE. 
People need to be informed about this!
Kids need to be warned against this!
Parents need to be aware of it!
I cannot plead, beg or petition you enough to read about it.  Learn about it.  
And most importantly, tell EVERYONE about it!
This beautiful girl passed away recently because of this horrific "game".  
In her memory, PLEASE help prevent another amazing child from dying.

Stick a pin in it

Ok, so my "restart" has been a slow one.  oh well.
My latest love has been the discovery of PINTEREST.  If you aren't familiar with is, basically you can bookmark anything on the internet, save it to a self-created bulletin board with a photographic reference.  But, it's also a social network, where you can share your "pins" with anyone and vice versa.  You can search of any topic.  You can follow other people's boards.   Basically, it lets you find things on the internet with little effort.  You don't have to print and, if you're like me, lose things you want to come back to. Or forget why you wanted it in the first place.  Come play! Come check out my boards on Pinterest!

Starting Line

I was looking at some of my old posts from a few years ago.  They were bright & mostly happy.  And they made me realize just how down & negative I've been.  I need to find a bright moment each day to put here.
Today I finished the research for my upcoming tours.  I need to figure out my Halloween party costume.  I want to get some character details sussed out before I perform at Stronghold.  And then I need to focus on Christmas & then my Titanic party in April.  Those are all hard work, but all are fun!

So that's my bright spot...research fun!

Who am I?

I don't write anymore, as you can see.
I don't do faire anymore.
I don't hang out with a bunch of friends anymore.
I don't look cute & sassy anymore.
I've lost ME.
I know I should be happy, I have a family who are healthy & fairly happy.
But I'm not.
I feel like I'm a stranger who takes care of them day after day.  I don't know ME anymore.
I feel fat & ugly & old.
I feel unclever & unwitty & certainly unwise.
I had spark.  Lived by it.
And it gone and I don't know how to get it back.
I just know I'm perpetually sad.
And lonely.
I wish I could help ME.
Please come back.

Is Freedom Ringing?

Once again we approach the 4th of July weekend.  Once again I will have friends over for a cookout. But anyone who reads this knows, I am NOT much of a patriot, pure & simple. (Given my choice, I'd be living back in England.) I respect this country. I respect our president. I certainly respect the military who make the choice to put their lives in danger.  But, I have no respect for many of the current governors who don't value education or the careers of people in the state they are supposed to be representing.  I also believe that the majority of Americans are self-centered & insular.  (Not saying I think any other mass of peoples in the world don't have their faults, I'm only speaking of the country in which I reside.) Anyway...in preparation of the 4th, I'm doing a "rerun" of a post I wrote this time in 2006.


Thanks to the Rest o'the WorldToday Americans celebrate the 4th of July...America's Independence Day. I know there are going to be blogs everywhere extoling the virtues of the United States, so I wanted to do something a little bit different. I want to recognize that many of the symbols we associate with our "freedom", actually come via other countries. Or the facts we know may be just a little bit squewed. I'm not trying to incite a riot or upset any patriots...I just want to look at things from a slightly different point of view.

First, let's begin with the day itself. Why do we celebrate today? I think most people will answer "Because its the day the Declaration of Independence was signed!" Wrong! It was the day it was adopted by the 2nd Congress. It was read on the 9th, when it was approved by the 13 colonies, officially created on the 19th, but it didn't actually get signed until August 2nd!

Betsy Ross created the original American flag, right? Wrong! The flag that was created to represent the new country was created before the Revolutionary War by Rebecca Young. It was the flag General Washington raised on New Year's Day 1776. It was also our official flag on July 4, 1776. Now, did Betsy Ross actually make our flag? Well, she was a flagmaker, and made flags for almost 50 years, which is where her notoriety comes from. The "Stars & Stripes" flag (originally with 13 stripes & 13 stars) however, was created by Mary Pickersgill in 1813. It was the flag that was flying over Fort McHenry during the War of 1812 that was seen "by the dawn's early light" by Francis Scott Key.

Speaking of Mr. Key, the author of our American anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner", he was witness to the 25 hour retaliation attack of the British against the Americans at the fort during the War of 1812. Indeed, the in morning when the British ceased fire, the flag was still flying. He felt inspired and wrote the poem "The Battle of Fort McHenry". It was soon published in many places, and someone came up with the idea to sing it. However, the music ironically, is a popular English drinking song "To Anacreon in Heaven". It wasn't officially made our national anthem until 1931.

That same night's non-stop cannon & gunfire by the Brits is also the reason we celebrate with fireworks.

And let's not forgot that the quintessential figure of freedom, the Statue of Liberty, was a gift from the French in October 1886.

So today let's not be so ego-centric as to believe that we wouldn't have our freedoms of liberty, or the symbols of that, without the rest of the world.