Finding a new Normal

Well...it's been a couple of years since I've blogged.  Life..travel...all those wonderful things that keep a person busy have taken priority, and honestly, I just didn't feel like writing.
So why am I revisiting this?  Because my life has taken a turn I never saw coming and I feel like I need to write about it.  I don't expect anyone to read this, but if you're here and are reading it...this is what it is now.
I am in kidney failure.
It seems I have a genetic kidney disease...polycystic kidney disease (PKD)...but as I was adopted, I never knew.  Lucky me. (Sarcasm fonts really DO need to exist.)
So, despite the fact I have no other medical conditions (that's actually a really good thing, most people in renal failure can't say that, apparently), I currently have only 9% kidney function. I have no pain, no real problems, just kidneys that need to be replaced.
So you'd think, Great, get a transplant!  Insurance. Don't get me started on why we need universal healthcare.  (I have insurance, they just don't want to pay for a transplant...it's just my life, no big deal, right?!)

Here's the deal...I'm active.
I am a Tour Manager.  I have kids.  I'm an actor and event planner.
And now my life is complicated by this "gift" of kidney failure.
I don't like being told I can't...and I'm going to do my best to NOT let this stop me.
But it's hard.
And slightly depressing.
And so I need to write about it...so I DON'T fall into a state of depression.

Bear with me.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

My Husband is a Time Lord

My family are Doctor Who fans.  Whovians.  For many, many years now.  We didn't jump on the DW band wagon with most of Americans in the past year or two, but 30 or so years ago.  That said, we haven't missed an episode of the "newer" series (which started with the 9th Doctor) and despite many years of fandom, I consider the 10th Doctor (played by David Tennant) MY Doctor.  There are many reasons for this, mostly that he embodies what I feel ALL the other Doctors before him were doing, as well as being brilliantly clever, witty, compassionate and trusting.  And he's the spitting image of my husband.  (Needless to say, I find him amazingly sexy. The Doctor.  And my husband, of course.)  They are both 6'3" skinny men with the exact same build, charming & kind personalities, and wit. The only serious difference?  David Tennant has brown eyes, while my husband has very blue ones.  Oh, and their accents. Well, I'm writing this because many people have doubted me when I say they look alike, so I'm posting this so those people can actually see I'm NOT crazy.
These are pics of my husband.

And these are David Tennant...the 10th Time Lord:

I'm proud to be The Doctor's Companion!

Hands I wish I could hold

I've been AWOL for a long time here, not having words I felt worth posting.  Not feeling focused in my life.  There are many things I could say about my world. But today I can't.

On December 14th a monster stormed into an elementary school in CT and performed the most unthinkable of acts.  Armed with weapons of warfare that should never be in the hands of any individual other than a trained soldier, this creature blew its way into a secured school filled with children learning their letters and getting ready for Christmas, and killed them.  Five adults all trying to stop the monster, trying to protect these babies lost their lives being heroes. And the monster killed it's own mother, too.  And worst of all, 20 babies, all aged 6 or 7, were killed.  Violently.  Maliciously.  Riddled with multiple bullets into their teeny tiny bodies.  If there were ever a hell, this is it. Their only crime was being precious & sweet.  They had lovely smiles and laughter and were excited for Santa to come bring presents and hug their mommies & daddies. They deserved to live and grow and sing and dance.  

I haven't stopped crying over this, several days later.  Every time I close my eyes I see those sweet babies.  I  weep for they are about the same age as my little ones. It could be my babies, and to that I can't stop crying.  I know how much this hurts my heart, and can't begin to comprehend the sheer pain in the hearts of their parents.  They should be wrapping presents and decorating cookies with their precious babies, not putting them in caskets!  I cry for their loss, their pain, their emptiness, their guilt.  How will they ever be able to tell their other children there is no boogey man & make them feel safe?  How will they, themselves, ever feel anything but incomplete?  

I cry for the other children in the school who survived but heard the shooting & screaming.  How will they ever trust again?  How will they ever feel safe again?   I cry for the teachers, heroes all of them, for doing everything to protect the children.  How will they trust again or face each new class with confidence?  I cry for the first responders who had to walk into that school and see the carnage of innocent children.  I'm sure their nightmares are worse than mine, because they are real.  I cry for the entire community because "normal" will never be the same.  And I cry for all of us, as parents, who can never feel our little ones are actually safe at school anymore.

Most of all I cry for those little innocent children who only wanted to learn to read and write and play.  

I have many feelings regarding guns in this country, but that's for another day.  Right now, these sweet souls need to be remembered and mourned.  I refuse to know the name of the monster or acknowledge it.  It deserves no recognition.  Only love will make any change in this world.

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Rachel Davino, 29

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Dawn Hochsprung, 47

Madeline Hsu, 6

Catherine Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Lauren Rousseau, 30

Mary Sherlach, 56

Victoria Soto, 27

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison Wyatt, 6

Rest in peace. 

"Vacation, all I ever wanted..."

The Go-Go's song "Vacation" has been running through my head all morning as I've been trying to figure out where to getaway.  We can't afford a big family vacation, but we CAN afford a romantic weekend getaway with the help of the airline vouchers I have & need to use. The most ideal time for us to go is in January  due to a variety of factors.  That means we really would prefer to go someplace warm.  But that creates new complications.  (Price, times, etc.)  Right now it seems the toss up is either Colonial Williamsburg or maybe visiting the Biltmore in NC.  Other possibilities could be New Orleans (though we've been there), Phoenix or San Fran.  We could do Cancun, but it's the all-inclusive pricing that is SO much pricier than we really want for a weekend in our current financial situation.
SO...I'm concerned about weather in VA in January, but it could be quite beautiful, too?  
Anyone have any advice?

The Results are in!

Had my doctor follow-up yesterday.
The Good News:  My cholesterol is fine.  I am not anemic.  I have no thyroid condition.
The Bad News:  I have high blood pressure & am now on medication for it.    My insulin isn't great.  I am not diabetic, but if I don't get things under control I could reach that level.  Something else shows I have some sort of kidney problem going on.  That scares me more than anything.  I went into the hospital for lab work and have to have an renal ultrasound next week.  Feeling nervous but I can't overstress until I know what's going on.  Praying, nonetheless.

Falling Downward

I had a dream last night I was floating in a body of water, and I suddenly flipped over & was staring down into a cavernous abyss.  It was deep blues & black, and foreboding.  I startled myself awake.
I realized it was a reflection of how I'm feeling.  
I'm scared of falling into the abyss.
My blood pressure is up.  That terrifies me.  I'm afraid my blood work will come back with even worse news.
I constantly fear I will never live out my dreams to see the world.
I'm in fear of not experiencing the world with my kids.
As much as I love the water, I don't want to drown.

Taking control

I joined Weight Watchers online today.
I'm not going to say much about it other than the fact that I hope it helps.
Wish me luck, please.